INT. SMALL BLUE CAR – MIDNIGHT
Four friends are driving through rural Southern backroads. They
are the only car in sight, and it is pitch black outside. Ominous music plays
from somewhere ominously. Maybe one of those songs that’s just a violin bow and
a wood saw. It’s raining. Wait, do we have the budget to make it rain?...Oh, we
don’t? Ok, I’m sure we can figure something out. Anyways, a handsome man with
long hair (preferably played by Zac Efron in a wig) breaks the silence.
NATHAN
Boy, it sure is
raining hard on these Southern backroads!
RACHEL
What are you
talking about? There’s not a cloud in the s-
NATHAN
Yep, the kind of hard Southern
rain that can only be felt in memories, or post-production. Hey Tommy, did you
have something to say?
TOMMY
Why yes I did, Nathan. I just
wanted to say that we are going to meet our friends at a cabin up in the
mountains, but due to some comical misunderstandings, they are not expecting
our arrival. Also, we are so far out in the boonies that none of our cell phones
have any signal.
NATHAN
Beautifully
exposited. Thank you, Tommy.
ELLE
(pointing
frantically)
Guys, what’s that
up ahead!?
HEADLIGHTS flash across a tall, shadowy figure. NATHAN slams
on the brakes, and the car screeches to a halt.
RACHEL
(after a long pause)
That was spooky!
There is definitely no need to get out and investigate.
ELLE
Awww, I think it
was a puppy! I’m going to rescue it!
TOMMY
Oh, did I not mention this in my
exposition earlier? We are driving through Dahlonega, and the locals have a
legend that on every 7th new moon after the 7th leap year
that an army of bloodthirsty scarecrows come to life and feed upon humans’
tender organs like they’re all-you-can-eat dinner rolls at a steakhouse. So,
Elle, I don’t think it would be a good idea if- Elle?...Elle!
The trio realize that ELLE is no longer with them. They
jump out of the car, and just as a side note to the sound guy, it would be neat
if we could add some Scooby-Doo “startled sprint” sound effects. Thanks.
EXT. DAHLONEGA, GEORGIA – MIDNIGHTISH
RACHEL
(turns on flashlight
and waves it around)
Elllllllleee!!!!
Where are youuuuuuu?
ELLE
I’m right…..here!
The flashlight’s beam falls on something and Nathan, Rachel, and Tommy react.
NATHAN, RACHEL, and TOMMY
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
ELLE
Classic misdirect!
That’s a mailbox. I’m actually over…here!
The flashlight’s beam falls onto something else and the gang
reacts again. This keeps happening for 27 minutes, because this script is
pretty short and I need to fill some time in order to submit this movie to the
festival circuit.
ELLE
…No, that’s a sign post….that’s
your car….that’s a clump of grass… that’s your elbow….that’s your own
face….that’s your elbow again…Ah, there ya go! It’s me!
RACHEL
Whew! You had us
scared for a while, Elle.
ELLE
Sorry, I thought the shadowy
figure was a dog. But it turned out to just be this stupid ol’ scarecrow.
The flashlight’s beam falls on a gnarled, worn scarecrow.
Its head is a burlap sack and its face is a jumble of jagged seams, stitches,
and nightmares.
NATHAN
Elle, that could be one of those
murderous Dahlonega scarecrows! Step away from him before it’s too late!
ELLE
Haha! Don’t worry, silly. This scarecrow
is a gentleman, without even the faintest idea of cracking your head open like
a coconut and garnishing its contents with one of those little toothpick
umbrellas. Come closer and see for yours-
Suddenly Elle is plowed through with a pitchfork. Her body
drops to reveal TOMMY behind her and grasping the handle.
RACHEL
Whoa! Tommy! Not
ok, man! What are you doing?
TOMMY
Hmm? Oh, wait, did I forget to mention
that part in my previous expositions? Geez, I’ve really got to keep track of all
this information. Anyways, after the scarecrows feast on your organs they stuff
your cavities with straw and you reanimate as one of them.
RACHEL
But…but…How did
you know Elle was one of…them?
The camera pans down to reveal Elle’s body bursting with
straw, like a hay bale through a colander.
TOMMY
Whew! That’s a load off of my
mind. I was really taking a chance there. Last time I plowed through somebody’s
torso with a pitchfork I was not as lucky. Let me tell you, things got pretty awkward.
NATHAN
We’ve got no time to reminisce
about the good ol’ days, Tommy. Look behind you!
The scarecrow that Elle found is now walking towards the
gang, and the once blank burlap face now has glowing red eyes. The camera pans
out to reveal an army of dozens of evil red-eyed scarecrows cresting a hill in
the distance and heading towards them.
NATHAN
Quick, everyone
run into this cornfield for shelter!
RACHEL
(excitedly)
Oh good, I love cornfields!
Nathan, Rachel, and Tommy make a mad dash into the dense
cornfield and become scattered.
NATHAN
Raaaacheell!
Toooommmyy! Where are you guys?
Nathan’s pleas are met with silence. Finally, after another 19 minutes of Nathan yelling to himself in a cornfield to pad the time, another
voice is heard in the distance. He runs toward it, but a SCARECROW jumps out
in front of him and slashes wildly.
NATHAN
(while flexing)
I’ve had enough of
these scarecrows!
Nathan punches the scarecrow right in his hideous scarecrow
face. The scarecrow explodes into a puff of hay, seen from multiple angles and
in slow motion.
NATHAN
(smugly)
I guess you could
say, that was the last…straw!
Nathan whips off his sunglasses - which he had previously not
been wearing - for full smug affect. His smugness is interrupted by Rachel’s
scream nearby. He runs to her.
NATHAN
Rachel! I found
you! Are you okay? Where is Tommy?
RACHEL
I’m fine. Tommy? Oh, he is safe.
Just a few cornrows down from here. Here, I’ll take you to him.
NATHAN
(confused)
But, I’ve been
calling his name. Why hasn’t he answered?
RACHEL
He’s okay. Trust
me. Take my hand, and I’ll lead you to him.
Nathan takes Rachel’s hand, and they start walking. Nathan
looks concerned and then suddenly draws back.
NATHAN
You…You’re not
Rachel!
RACHEL
(her eyes faintly
glow red, and her lips curl into a devilish grin)
What do you mean?
NATHAN
Of course!...It’s all so clear
now! Your love of cornfields - the soft, strawlike touch of your hand - the
fact that Tommy’s class ring, still attached to his finger, is stuck between
your teeth. You…You’re a scarecrow now!
RACHEL
No…not now. I’ve always been a scarecrow!
Rachel’s eyes glow redder as her mouth unhinges. She slowly
advances towards Nathan.
Slowly. For 13 minutes. Just as she is about to kill him-
CUT TO:
INT. NATHAN’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Nathan startles awake.
NATHAN
(confused and shaken)
Wha…what happened? I’m in my bed.
The scarecrows…it was all a dream! Haha!
Nathan leaps out of bed and runs to the window. He pushes
back the curtains to reveal a sunny landscape without a scarecrow to be seen.
There is nothing but rows and rows of docile, un-murderous cornstalks.
Which is particularly peculiar, because Nathan lives in Atlanta where there are no
cornfields.
FIN
(33 minutes and 27
seconds of credits)
