I am very interested in the opportunity you have available at your company, namely the opportunity to work there five days a week and receive money for doing so. I'm sure you've read a thousand applications by now, so I won't bore you with trite verbiage and cliche lines about how I'd be an excellent fit for this role or how I could maximize synergy through cross-pollinating business units. No, I'll just be up front and completely honest - I am your average, run-of-the-mill goober.
I'm the twelfth row, third from the center
Sure, I have a degree in marketing. But you and I both know you could throw a rock out your office window and it would ricochet off no less than a dozen marketing majors. Charmin might as well print "Bachelors of Science in Marketing" across their comfortably absorbent two-ply double rolls. My marketing degree qualifies me for this job the same way a belly button qualifies me to be President of the United States - it's technically necessary but offers no competitive advantage. What I'm trying to say is that my marketing degree is worthless, unless you have a marketing degree that you're proud of, in which case I am willing to forget I ever wrote this paragraph. Somebody's got to be the bigger man here.
And yes, I do have 8 years of progressive marketing experience in leadership roles. But coming out of the worst economic downturn in modern memory, there are still people out there with 50 years of marketing experience who would mow your grass for a cheese stick. And they would take that cheese stick, eat it like a rabid squirrel, and then viciously attack me with a tire iron for being younger and more likely to be hired. It's cutthroat out there.
"I was marketing cigarettes to children when your daddy was still in diapers, you Twitter-loving hippie!"
I possess the same schooling, knowledge, software skills, and hairstyle as just about every other applicant whose email is in your Outlook folder labeled "Crap, do I have to pick one?" But I'm not writing to get those goobers hired, I'm writing to get me hired. So let me appeal to your sense of reason - statistically speaking, I am one of the applicants. Why not hire me?
If that line of reasoning didn't work, and really it shouldn't have, let me tell you what I do offer that others won't promise:
- I will share my perspective without reservation, and I will passionately stick up for ideas I think best serve the company. Conversely, I will shut my face when I am proven wrong and accept when one of my ideas is bad. It's like my grandfather always told me when I was little, "Henry, even the golden goose still laid turds". Though looking back he always got my name wrong, so maybe that idiom never made any sense...
- I am a bastion of workplace etiquette. I will not force pictures of my ugly kids on you while you are trying to work on reports. I will not clip my toenails at my desk. My laugh is an appropriate volume and cadence, and it is devoid of snorts.
"...and this is Susan. She's starting 3rd grade next year..."
- If some workplace violence breaks out, I will be your biggest asset. Not because of my bravado or karate skills, but because I'm told my shrill, panicked wail is louder than any alarm. This might also happen if there's a spider in the office.
- I will never write you an email this long or this stupid again. You have to admit though, you're still reading it.
- Have I mentioned that new tie and/or dress looks great on you? (Again, not here to judge.)
Normally this is where I'd say that I'm eagerly awaiting a response and reiterate that my goal in life is to work for you until I die and then have my ashes spread on my cubicle. However, in keeping with this cover letter's theme of unabashed honesty I feel compelled to tell you that I do genuinely want to work for your company, but I've also applied to dozens of other companies and will forget all about you until I either receive a rejection letter or a job offer.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I'm going to finish eating this sandwich now.
-Nathan Lee
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