As I embark on my new
career as a motivational speaker, I have decided to unleash a preview
motivational speech upon the planet free of charge. I am going to motivate the
metaphorical pants off of you, and all I ask is that you keep all
non-metaphorical pants firmly cinched and that you consider hiring me for your
next corporate function or just your next personal bout of soul-crushing
lethargy. I will also make house calls for overwhelming malaise, paralyzing
self-doubt, debilitating inertia, and hemorrhoids.
Now, I know what
you're thinking. Why should I listen to a motivational speaker who
started writing this blog post 6 weeks ago and then gave up? That's an
excellent and clairvoyant question! Because the greatest generals will tell you that sometimes the best strategy comes
from those in the trenches. And I’ve dug a trench in those trenches.
Now, I am going to
start out my first motivational speech with a tried and true platitude. Ahem.
YOU CAN DO IT!
Let me clarify that I
mean that only as a statement of fact. The word “can” denotes that it is a
possibility, which it is. However, statistically speaking you are much more
likely to pass out alone in your apartment only to be discovered by your
disinterested cats than to accomplish whatever far-flung dream you’ve assigned
as “it”. For every astronaut that has walked on the moon there are 10,000,000
average joes who have ordered a pizza in their underwear, but then fallen
asleep on their living room floor before it was delivered. So, let’s focus on
things you can definitely accomplish.
Getting out of bed.
You can do that! Showering. You’re a natural! Becoming an astronaut. Not in a
million years!
I want to be clear.
You’re a pretty okay person with several positive things to share with other
humans. You are an adequate tipper at restaurants. You obey traffic laws when
other people are watching. Except for a couple of goldfish, you’ve kept pets
alive for their average lifespans. But, unlike urethane-coated synthetic
polymers, you just aren't astronaut material. That doesn’t mean you’ll never be
successful, though.
There are three ways
for you to achieve success in life – 1)Become a completely different person, 2)Redefine
your personal meaning of success so that any mouth-breathing toddler can be
successful, or 3)Some combination of the previous two. The trick is finding the
right equilibrium, and that’s what I’m here to help you find.
To begin your journey
of self-transformation you've got to have some self-esteem. Let’s try an
exercise I either read in a psychology textbook or dreamed I read in a
psychology textbook once. First, prepare a bowl of mashed potatoes. As has been previously discussed, I'm not exactly a chef, but I'm pretty sure you
just get a bag of potatoes and beat them with a hammer until your downstairs
neighbor threatens to call the police. Next, look intently at those mashed
potatoes and shout insults at it. Maybe something like, “YOU ARE LUMPY AND PALE!”
or “NOBODY LIKES YOU UNLESS YOU’RE COVERED IN GRAVY!” This is called
projection, because deep in your heart you feel these things are true about
yourself.
"So, uhh…are we friends now?"
Here comes the
therapeutic part. Devour those delicious insults by shoveling the mashed
potatoes down your grease-lined gullet. When you are done, look down at your
clean plate and reflect on your accomplishment. You ate those insults like a
champ! Those negative feelings about yourself can no longer hurt you, unless you
have tender bowels unequipped for starch.
Now that you have a
more positive self-image, it's time to slightly adjust who you are by
broadening the limits of your comfort zone. Travel more. Face your fears. Try
new things.
If you're afraid of
large bodies of water, rent a deep-sea fishing boat and use yourself as chum.
If you've never lived abroad, commit a federal crime that will require you to
flee to a country without an extradition treaty. If you've never fallen in
love, rent the movie "You've Got Mail" and experience a whirlwind of
emotions vicariously through its likable and relatable protagonists. But, if
you’ve never been to the moon, do not search Craigslist for a spacesuit.
Remember as you
stretch yourself in new directions that you will never be able to change into
an entirely different person, like Buzz Aldrin or retired naval officer and
NASA astronaut Eugene Cernan. But, you can molt your old outer skin and show
off your fresh new dermis. Sure, you'll be pink and sensitive and will horrify
children at the grocery store for a while, but before long that 'new you' will
just become 'you'. There's no going back now. You're ready for the final step
in your motivation transformation - redefining success.
Why did you want to
become an astronaut in the first place? Was it fame? Any goober with a YouTube
account can become famous. Was it to explore uncharted territory? You don't even know what's between your own couch cushions. Was it to earn the
respect of your peers and gain self-worth in a lifelong struggle for happiness?
The ultimate success
is happiness, and there is no defined course to obtain it. You don’t have to
settle, but you do have to be realistic. You are perfectly capable of being a
good person, finding friends who enjoy your company, being a devoted family
member, and reaching goals you set for yourself to become a better person and
contribute more to society. You are capable of being happy.
You just aren’t
capable of being an astronaut.
Motivation
complete! You are now ready to tackle the world with your magnificent
mediocrity! Remember, nothing can stop you from achieving pretty good things.
And if you ever lose sight of what will really make you happy and successful, give me a call.
I’ll be there to bring you back down to Earth.
