You couldn't tell it from the frequency of my updates, but I do enjoy writing these blogs. But, I occasionally try my hand at writing for other websites who have an editorial process much more rigorous than Where it Gets Awkward (I am, after all, sharing a bed with the editor). These websites have readerships in the millions, have launched careers, and have editors who all agree that I should convert to the Amish.
Which is fine, because I'd look great with a beard, and they are looking for a very specific and pre-established style which I have yet to master. But what to do with all these rejected submissions?
Behold, my failures!
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excerpt from Bizarre Festivals (for the Pain Enthusiast)
Skewer Yourself at the Phuket Vegetarian Festival
What could possibly be dangerous at a festival with celery-eaters and pacifists, you ask? Plenty, if you're from the Thai city of Phuket (disappointingly pronounced “poo-ket”). Mainly celebrated by the resident Chinese community, participants eat a vegetarian diet during the ten days of festivities to honor the Nine Emperor Gods who saved a group of traveling opera performers from an epidemic of malaria, thus unleashing a new but slightly less painful epidemic upon Phuket of opera. Modern day worshippers aren't content to just do some praying, grill some cucumber kabobs, and call it a festival, however. They make face kabobs. Out of their own faces.
“I momentarily mistook myself for a zucchini”
It is said the mutilation is done in a trance-like state to invoke the gods, who will protect them from pain or severe scarring. It is also said, “AAAAHHHH THAT MAN HAS BEEN IMPALED BY A SWORD! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY CALL AN AMBULANCE!”, but that is usually just by foreigners. The festival goers like to get creative with what they put through their face, and we'd like to think prizes are given out at the end like at a Halloween costume contest. Some of the more interesting facial ornaments include an AK47, a wine glass, hedge clippers, and an umbrella.
“Does this dress make me look like I have a pirate ship sticking out of my face?”
For the faint of heart who are too cowardly to have their heads turned into giant pin cushions, there are other festival activities to engage in, like walking over burning hot coals and climbing 25-foot ladders made out of blades. If the festival organizers were really sadists they'd make you swan dive off the top of that ladder into a vat of alcohol, so there's at least some proof the Phuketians (Phuketites? Phuketonians?) have sympathy. Oh, and speaking of alcohol, in addition to avoiding meat during the festival participants commit to abstaining from drinking or having sex.
“I wish there was a pool of alcohol at the bottom of this thing”
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A Memo to All Explosion Burger® Employees
To: All Explosion Burger® employees
From: Corporate Headquarters
Re: Employee Happiness
From: Corporate Headquarters
Re: Employee Happiness
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
The corporate office has re-evaluated the longstanding policy that all Explosion Burger® employees smile while within the blast radius (defined as all Explosion Burger® property, up to and including the parking lot, dining area, and bathrooms - see Section 117c of your Employee Lawbook). Although no formal or informal customer complaints were ever filed, the policy was enacted to mitigate possible issues with customers encountering less-than-perky attitudes while being provided timely service and delicious hamburgers. However, our marketing research reveals that coerced smiles can be detected by consumers 97% of the time, and of the 97% who will correctly identify your fraudulence, only 93% will Atomicize™ their Missile Meals™ when offered. In light of this recent data, we have no choice but to change this policy.
Therefore, effective immediately, all mandatory smiles and other expressions of happiness are required to be genuine. This includes laughing, fist pumps, heel clicks, squealing, and hugging (reminder: no employee is allowed to hug another employee, customer, or bystander within the blast radius unless the huggee is an immediate family member over the age of 18 – see Section 321g of your Employee Lawbook). In order to determine the genuineness of your smiles a retired FBI body language expert will be added to each franchise location. The agents will analyze facial expressions, gait, blinking frequency, and stool samples to assess your level of happiness. They may also serve as backup fry cook.
Anyone caught faking a smile will be punished. The first infraction earns a verbal warning to be administered via megaphone. Anyone caught the second time will be issued a written warning and sent home to write an essay titled “Ten Reasons Why Working at Explosion Burger® Makes Me Happy”. Anyone caught the third time will be expelled from employment immediately and will not be eligible to receive their deposit back.
Explosion Burger, Inc. has always striven to provide a relaxing and inoffensive dining experience for families by offering explosive themed hamburgers and t-shirts at blowout prices by exuberant employees. We WILL continue to do so.
Thank you for your deference.
Sincerely,
Vice President of Human Resources
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A Time Traveler from the Present in Love in the Past
Dear Clara Beth,
These past few days without you have been agonizing. I often stare at my iPhone, as dead as your neighbor with tuberculosis, and wish I could see your beautiful face on my lock screen. “Slide to unlock” it would say if electrical sockets had been invented yet. “Slide to unlock our hearts.” Oh, sweet, sweet Clara Beth, how I miss your piercing blue eyes! They would have looked so good in HDR or sepia scrolling through my Instagram feed. I would have liked every photo, and I don’t mean in the passive way with feelings. You deserve better than that.
At night when I rest my weary head and close my eyes I have dreams of all the great times we’ve had together. They are random and disjointed memories that last about 6 seconds each and loop endlessly. Oh, how those wonderful, tangled Vines blossomed into our love!
Clara Beth, I want to make us Facebook official. I want to shout our love from the top of Old Man Sanders’ mill and then see if your ex-boyfriend Clyde comments with a frownie emoticon. I will private message him if he does. I will private message him fisticuffs in the pasture behind your barn.
But alas, all I have is this slender black screen in my hand. There is no color, no animation, no life. Just a dark reflection of my lonely face while I wait for your return, darling Clara Beth. When that train finally brings you back from the big city and we embrace, I will turn on my location services and tag you in my heart.
I mean that figuratively, of course, because my iPhone is still regrettably and irreversibly dead. I probably should have thought of this before installing that time traveling app.
Yours forever,
@BarryTheBarista78
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