Lee/Randy 2012

I have sat back and watched this three ring circus called “The Republican Primaries” long enough. I can no longer watch these clowns parading all over our respected cable news outlets and slinging mud at each other without putting my remote control down, standing up, and shouting, “I want in on that!” It is to this end that I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America and its Several Commonwealths Including Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, and Parts of Canada.

Although I am missing several requirements to run for political office in today’s landscape – perfectly coiffed hair, a harem of mistresses, the basic qualifications as outlined by our federal constitution – I see this as a strength. I’m the anti-candidate. A vote for me is a vote for change! Seriously, I’m charging a quarter for every vote cast in my favor. I figure it’s a pretty good way to raise campaign funds.

Now, admittedly, I don’t know much about my opponents’ politics. Heck, I don’t know much about my own politics, except that people who I’ve explained them to have used the words “brutal”, “oppression”, and “puppy-kicker”. I vehemently deny that last one, and I’m prepared to sue for slander anyone who uses it in an ad against me. I have also told my Chief Propaganda Adviser and future running mate, Randy, to make some rebuttal Photoshops just in case.

 Who’s the puppy-kicker now, Newt?

To all those clamoring that I don’t have any political history, I have this to say, “There are too many of you to make incriminating Photoshops for. But just know that it was considered.” Also, I’d like to point out that I, in fact, do have a history in politics. In fifth grade I portrayed Bob Dole in a mock-election at R.A. Mitchell Elementary School and won by a landslide. You might recall that Bob Dole actually lost the 1996 national election to Bill Clinton, so by extrapolation I just proved that I am more politically savy than the real Bob Dole and the real Bill Clinton combined. And if you don’t agree with that logic, talk to Randy.

 Get’em, Randy!

I think people are tired of all these one percenters running our country. They are too successful to know how the 99 percent live. Mitt Romney recently released his tax records, and it’s been exposed that he made over 40 million dollars the past two years! And he gave over 7 million of it to his church and various charities! How can he be trusted to run the country with all that philanthropy he does? Passing out money all over the place like people need it or something. Just philanthropizing all over the streets and in the synagogues. I mean, this isn’t communist France here, people! You can trust me, my fawning supporters, because I have comparatively nothing and I hoard that nothing like it’s the last nothing on Earth. Before any speculation starts swirling, I have released my tax records. It shows that as a public relations professional in the non-profit sector, I grossed 539 Mexican pesos, 27 peanut butter sandwiches, and 3 buy-one-get-one free coupons from Payless Shoe Source. I gave only one of those sandwiches away to various charities, because it was smooth, and I prefer chunky.

But enough about my social standing and silliness. It’s time to get down to the sixth most important factor in becoming president - the issues. My opponents would have you believe that what they think about certain issues is correct. Well, I am almost certain that the way I feel about those issues and things is in direct opposition to the way they feel about those issues. And things. In fact, that’s my campaign slogan. “I disagree”. This saves valuable time in having to worry about which direction to side on, because I’m letting congress and the American people decide for me. They’ll come up with a decision, I’ll disagree, and then I’ll do the opposite. Oh, what’s that, Congress? You’re drafting measures to go to war with Iran? Too bad! We’re invading Hawaii!

So there you have it, The American People. There are all the reasons to vote for me for president, despite my inability to form a cohesive argument, desire to humiliate my opponents through phony pictures, tenuous grasp of politics and geography, and the assurance that I’ll descend us into a nightmarish police state filled with social disorder and slavery.

I’m Nathan Lee, and I approve this message.

An Idiot's Guide to Craigslist for Dummies and Idiots

I am an idiot, and the following excerpts from this guide are meant for like-minded people who have heard about this Craiglist thing and want to take it for a spin. Under no circumstances do I encourage you to actually use Craigslist for anything other than entertainment purposes, because I do not want any blood on my hands (figuratively and literally). At the end of this article you will have the option to purchase the full edition of An Idiot’s Guide to Craigslist for Dummies and Idiots from a housewife in Alabaster who will meet you at the Texaco on Highway 31 at midnight.

If you read this whole article and still go through with the transaction, I have failed you as an author.

from Chapter 1 - What is Craigslist?

For starters, think of Craigslist as the bulletin board inside your college’s student union, only on the internet and teeming with more communicable diseases. You can search for jobs, try to reconnect with lost loves, or buy used goods straight from the owner. However, and this is very important to remember, studies have shown that 93% of all posts are of a deceitful nature, and of those posts 76% were made by this man:

 This is Randy. Randy wants to sell you a toaster that “totally hasn’t been peed in”.

I will teach you how to navigate the dark recesses of Craigslist without falling prey to Randy and his dubious posts.

from Chapter 7 – Jobs

I am an expert at very few things. The Ace Ventura movies, laughing during inappropriate moments, and the hoverbike level from Battletoads all come to mind. But I’ve spent enough time looking for jobs on Craigslist that I feel safe including it as an area of expertise. Randy and his goons have meticulously designed each job post to hide what you’ll actually be doing day-to-day, and that is sales. Sometimes it’s door-to-door, sometimes it’s in a call center, but it’s almost always sales. See an ad for a receptionist at an animal clinic? Sales. Brand ambassador with an entrepreneurial spirit? Sales. Nude model for an undisclosed art project? Sales, in the fact that your organs will eventually be auctioned off by Randy in a Thai back alley. Here’s a screen cap of an actual job:

Now here’s a few key sentences with translations:

We are an innovative company that is transforming the marketing and advertising industry.

We looked ‘innovative’ up in the dictionary and are using it against Webster’s consent.  

We were founded by dedicated people looking to push the envelope by using cost-effective marketing campaigns and advertising strategies.

We were founded by recent college grads who like the phrase “push the envelope” but don’t have any money to put into advertising.

We are interested in finding quality candidates to conduct all facets of what we do to gain new customers.

We are looking for monkeys to sell things for us.

This involves all aspects of promotional sales, marketing, and customer service work.

This involves all aspects of promotional sales, direct sales, door-to-door sales, and illegal sales.

Candidates must be open minded, possess great people skills, excited about leadership, and not be afraid of hard work!

Candidates must do as we say, pretend to get along with us, genuflect as we walk past your cubicle, and not mind mandatory triple overtime.

We also work with some of the top fortune 500 companies in the country!!

We sell DirecTV subscriptions. Did we not mention that yet?

Now, there’s nothing wrong with selling DirecTV subscriptions. Just as long as you know what you're getting into, and you're not under the impression that you'll be a high-powered Wall Street tycoon.

from Chapter 16 – Personals

Now, I don’t have any experience using the Personals section of Craigslist, but rest assure that if I did, I wouldn’t be talking about it. I’ll be writing this section of the guide based off of information I’ve gleaned from news outlets.

Let’s start with a typical ad.

Perky and Fun 4U

“Life as a runway model gets so lonely. I’m always flying to Milan and Paris, but when I’m back home all I want to do is snuggle with a pasty, greasy video game enthusiast. My hobbies include cooking, cleaning, and practicing nudism. I probably won’t find anyone on here, but if you’re interested message me. Teehee!”

This is an example of a rare genuine post. She sounds like a keeper, so I suggest sending her a message as soon as you can and mention how pasty and greasy you are, and that you also practice nudism every other week in the shower. Hurry up, before someone else finds her!

As you wait for her response, watch this video she posted to get to know her a little better.

You should have known better! This was a test, and you failed. It's Randy. 

Every. Single. Time. 

If this hadn't been a test you would be trapped in a pit in Randy's basement putting lotion on your skin. Consider this your final warning.

from Chapter 23 - Conclusion

So now you have the knowledge to avoid getting scammed by Randy on Craigslist. Or you have the knowledge to rival Randy in a Craigslist power struggle. I just give you the tools, I don't ask what you do with them. But for the most part, you know the precautions you need to take in order to be safe. If you or someone you know stumbles across Craigslist, be sure to notify an adult immediately. If you are an adult, look into a mirror and yell "STRANGER DANGER!" until someone slaps you back into reality. If you suspect a significant other of using Craigslist personals, the correct course of action is to bathe them in bleach, unless you want to play a game of hepatitis bingo, in which case carry on. And if you suspect that a household item has been purchased from Craigslist, please, do not use it.

Randy totally peed in it.

Year in Review 2011

I like to take a moment each December and look back at the previous year to assess myself. I ask the important questions. Have I accomplished everything I set out to do this year? Is my life heading in the direction I want it to go? Am I married to Taylor Swift yet? Nearly all of these questions can be answered on a sliding scale of “no” to “the law still dictates that I stay 100 yards away at all times”. But 2011 hasn’t been a bad year. So I’m going to list a few highlights from the past 12 months while resisting the urge to make things up so I sound more fascinating to internet strangers.

I started a blog
You probably already knew that, because you're reading it right now. But what you don't know is that literally tens of other people read it as well, a couple of which are outside of my immediate circle of friends. According to my Blogger stats, those who aren't my friends stumble upon this blog while searching for things such as "monster truck Power Wheels", "Grapico ice cream", "Camp Anawanna", and the one I'm most proud of - "bloated milk carton". As you can imagine due to the soaring popularity, I'm currently drafting the Where It Gets Awkward sitcom to appear on CBS, as well as a Broadway adaptation starring Bo Bice and a young James Taylor.

Both of which will take turns playing me, à la the Olsen Twins.

I became an uncle

Not a real uncle. No, my brothers and I are in a competition to see who can be the last one to produce a Lee heir, and so far it’s a dead heat. But I play dirty, and what they don’t know is that I’ve signed them up for a child through an underground Cambodian adoption service.

There was a mix-up in the paperwork, though. Meet Ralph, your new bundle of joy.

Actually, it was my best friend Cameron and his wife Cassidy who had a baby, Cohen. At the risk of sounding like a terrible person, Cohen is the first baby I’ve had an emotional attachment to. Don’t get me wrong, babies are great little poop machines and all, it’s just that I’ve always thought of them more fondly when they were in another room, or possibly on television. When people show me a picture of a child, my thought process is often “Yep, that is the newborn of my species. Although it kinda looks like an alien, but I would never tell the mother that because her tone and body language suggest I should be having a different reaction than that right now.” But little Cohen is a cute kid, and I even voluntarily hold him and play with him sometimes, until he starts crying and I start panicking and I give him back to Cameron. I guess Cohen and I are both taking baby steps! Hahaha! (Note to self: Make better jokes in 2012)

I got a job

I started 2011 as a bum who spent the previous 9 months sleeping til noon, playing video games, and lounging by the pool. It was a glorious time of relaxation, the likes of which I may never experience again, but it was also a soul-crushing time of inner struggle, the likes of which I hope I never experience again. Sometimes I would wonder what I was doing with my life, and where I was going to find employment, and then other times I laughed at my goober friends who were in an office all day while I was reading at the pool and getting a tan. But I honestly grew a lot as a person, because I found out that without structure I become a lazy, spoiling sack of potatoes unless I keep myself in check. I found a new job in January in public relations, a field I enjoy. It keeps me inside most of the time, so I’m back to ghastly white, but on the plus side it came with Photoshop.

At least I'm tan on the internet.

I bought a new car

I've already written about this, but it's important enough to be on the list. Although the overwhelming consensus was that my new car is a girl's color, and that everyone misses the Saturn. My old car suited me better according to friends, and I understand what they mean. It had personality. It had flavor. It had a piece of styrofoam where a car door should have been.

"Nathan, you are truly the '99 Saturn SC2 of people" only sounds like an insult, but is, in fact, quite an honor.

.......................................................................................

So here's to you, 2011. You were a good year. You taught me that great things can come out of adversity, that time is a priceless commodity to be used on the people and things that are most important, that babies are still pretty gross but have redeemable qualities, and that cars start to resemble their owners like pugs and ugly people. You also gave me a platform to share these life lessons and mostly ridiculous anecdotes with strangers on the internet who just wanted to find the lyrics to the Salute Your Shorts theme song. Thanks, 2011.

And to 2012, I've got a good feeling about you. With everything falling into place, I suspect a certain someone will rethink that silly ol' restraining order, come to her senses, and settle down with the man of her dre-

RALPH, YOU RAT FINK!

Things That Burn My Biscuits: “Holiday” Edition

Things That Burn My Biscuits is a series composed of trivial matters that send me into a quiet fury. Sometimes I write these matters down and post them on my Facebook, and sometimes I store them in my head and wait for strangers or friends to say the wrong thing (…"NO I’M NOT SAD THE WHITE STRIPES BROKE UP! THEY ARE TERRIBLE, JUST LIKE YOUR FACE!”) Don’t be fooled by my usually calm demeanor and glassy stare, though. Inside I’m raging about the latest Grammy nominees, or the fact that pleated pants still exist. But I digress. This edition is all about the holidays, and why I want to set them on fire. If you do not want to be encumbered by my petty ramblings, please, read no further.

Using “Happy holidays” to not offend

I’m not coming at this from a Christian conservative viewpoint. I’m coming at this from a common sense viewpoint. What exactly do we mean when we say “happy holidays”? Is it “I hope you have an enjoyable World AIDS Day!”

No.

“How aboot that Boxing Day, eh?”

Nuh-uh. We’re talking about Christmas. You can make the case for Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, but when was the last time you ever saw a TV or print ad that said “Happy Holidays” and it wasn’t filled with decidedly Christmas imagery?

I’ll answer that for you. This is the first time.

It’s pretty clear Holidays = Christmas (and to a lesser extent New Year’s), so let’s just call it what it is. I realize it’s grown to be bigger than just a Christian holiday, and has some pagan influence in tradition. You don’t have to be a believer to enjoy the festivities. But if you wake up on December 25^th, open presents, and deal with the crushing disappointment that for the 20^th year in a row you did not receive a Power Wheels replica monster truck, then whether you want to admit it or not you’re celebrating Christmas.

I will gladly trade my Chevy Aveo for one of these.

I work in marketing and public relations, an industry designed to not offend anyone ever for any reason. If I ever tried to use the word “Christmas” in a Christmas add I would be whisked away by lawyers in the middle of the night, put in a burlap sack, and beaten with lawsuits and termination papers. But the worst case scenario in slipping “Merry Christmas” into an add is that it falls into the hands of someone who doesn’t celebrate it. Big deal. They weren’t going to shop at your store to buy Christmas presents anyway. To me, it’s just like when friends who are atheist and practice new-age philosophy say “I’m sending good vibes your way.” It’s the equivalent of their prayer. Whether I think it will do any good or not, I know that person cares about me enough to wish me well. I don’t get offended just because I don’t practice their beliefs.

“Hey there, Sally! Why yes, I am feeling better. I appreciate the virgin sacrifice, 

but maybe next time just send a get well card.”

White Christmas Lights

Okay, I don’t hate white Christmas lights. It’s just the fact that colored Christmas lights are so much awesomer in comparison that it feels a lot like hate sometimes. Every year my family decorates a Christmas tree, and every year I lobby for colored lights. The argument is that white lights are classier, more elegant. But that’s the thing, I like my Christmas trees to be the biggest, gawdiest, loudest, hillbilliest epilepsy triggers on the face of the planet. I want aliens passing by in the cosmos to know that 10 million years ago, the Lee family had the brightest, most distasteful Christmas tree ever. If it were up to me, I’d import a redwood and adorn it with hubcaps and flamethrowers.

"TOO SUBTLE! NEEDS MORE LIGHTS!" 

Cranberry sauce

Cranberry sauce is a Thanksgiving favorite here in the States and a Christmas favorite in the UK, despite the fact that it tastes like cranberries. My theory is that cranberry sauce is produced from the regurgitation of cattle that have accidentally wandered into bogs and ingested cranberries thinking they were cherries. Honest mistake, really. After all, cattle are stupid, and cherries are delicious. But I don’t understand humans who put it on their plate knowing good and well that it is a by-product of cranberries. I also don’t understand why cranberry sauce comes in two different varieties - lumpy gelatinous globules and human tissue cross section. When someone asks me which of the two types of cranberry sauce I want, all I hear them say is, “Would you like me to punch you in the face with my right hand, or punch you in the face with my left hand?” The answer is whichever is not their dominant hand, or whichever variety doesn't jiggle for as long after I poke it disapprovingly with my fork. 

........................................

Whew! I feel better having typed all that out. I've got to keep my inner Scrooge in check. Pay no attention to my ranting and raving, because I really do love this time of year. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Happy Holidays Merry Christmas.