The South Will Rise Again

I have never been out of the South. Unless you count my one day in Missouri, in which case I have been three-fifths out of the South. I type this with shame and the foreknowledge that whoever reading this is thinking less of me. "But Nathan," you’re saying, possibly while wearing a monocle and sipping tea from ornate china, "you don’t know what you’re missing!"


It’s true. I would like to travel and experience other cultures, even if it is within the United States. I am always fascinated how culturally diverse we are as a nation. I meet a lot of people from other areas of the country who use Birmingham as a futon until they can get out of here. Befriending these vagrants has given me somewhat of a perspective on the South. I have taken for granted several things the South offers that I didn’t realize were indigenous only to our area.


Hushpuppies – Seriously, who’s never had a hushpuppy? The majority of America, apparently. I had no idea this was Southern cuisine until I had dinner with a friend from Wyoming recently. Normally I would hoard my hushpuppies and threaten your life if you so much as tossed a covetous glance in their general direction.

"Can you have a hushpuppy? Let me think about it……no."

But I was feeling oddly generous, and I wanted to see his reaction. He enjoyed it, of course, because it is physically impossible not to. I'm pretty sure that if Captain D's hushpuppies existed during the Civil War things would be a lot different today.

"They’re called hushpuppies, men. And they are ours. All we have to do is surrender."

Lightning Bugs – I had always thought lightning bugs, or “fireflies” if you want to sound all uppity, were as ubiquitous as fire ants, but that analogy doesn't work how I want it to because I just found out fire ants actually are as ubiquitous as lightning bugs. Meaning they are both found primarily in the South (*edit: fireflies are also found up north, but not out west). Fire ants I don't care about, but lightning bugs are majestic and beautiful creatures that help paint the picturesque Southern night sky and bring smiles to millions of faces and I'm sorry but I use to smash them with a baseball bat! ...Whew, I don't really know where that came from. Leftover guilt from being eight years old and coming home from Little League practice, I guess. Sorry lightning bugs, I won't be bludgeoning you to death anymore. But, uh, thanks for being around and shining your butts...and stuff.


Grapico – I grew up thinking Grapico, known colloquially as “dat purple drank,” was owned by Pepsi and therefore found on all of Earth’s continents including Antarctica. I don’t believe in the traditional Greek gods, but if I did, I would imagine they sat around drinking Grapico to keep themselves powerful and virile. But it turns out Grapico’s distribution doesn’t quite make it to Olympus or Antarctica, instead being sold as far north as Kentucky and as far west as Kentucky. There are literally millions of people who have never tasted that smooth grape carbonation or had it flavor their homemade ice cream. I call these people “Yankees”, and they are not to be trusted.

Combined career home runs: 1,207   -   Combined Grapico’s drank: 0

So those are just a few of the things the rest of America is missing. I’m sure there are many things other regions have to offer that I’m missing. I hope to find out for myself one day. However, I will be packing a bag filled with hushpuppies to serve as a tasty travel snack and as a weapon of Southern aggression. Get your white flags ready, America. I’m coming for you!