Roll Tide! War Eagle! Go...Blazers?

Ah, autumn in Alabama. When the trees shed their summer skin for vibrant yellows and oranges, the sun dips behind the rolling hills earlier each day, and a young man's fancy - intense and misguided - turns to college football. But not just any college football. No sir. Alabama football. Possibly even Auburn football. But never, under any circumstances, UAB football. In fact, many of you reading this are just now finding out that UAB has a football team. Constantly living in the shadow of the two powerhouses around them, the UAB Blazers must feel like the Olsen Twins' third sister.

I am proud to count myself as a UAB Blazers fan, though. Not proud enough to poison rival campus' trees or get in a fight outside of a Waffle House, but proud nonetheless. I will readily concede, however, that UAB is terrible. Just awful. I would call UAB the Hindenburg of college football, but historians would be quick to point out that the Hindenburg is retroactively known as the UAB of dirigibles.

*Wha- what was that sound outside? Hmmm, nevermind.

Anyway, UAB is bad at football, but I go to games and cheer my face off. At least that's how I start off every season. Because every season is going to be the season. I actually made a $100 bet with a friend about five years ago that UAB would have a national championship within 50 years. It just so happens that my friend has since moved to Arizona and fallen out of touch. Is that because of the penetrating fear that he would have to pony up $100 dollars and have me laugh in his face soon, or is it because he got married to someone that lives in Arizona? You tell me, but I'm pretty sure his marriage is a sham. You better believe, though, that if UAB does win a championship I'm going to personally spend thousands of dollars to track him down and collect my hundred dollars. And if I lose, and he is looking for me, I'm changing my name to Friar O'Houlihan and joining a monkery (that is where monks live, right?).

Somewhere in the middle of every season, though, after an astonishing 19 losses over the last 6 games, I start rooting against the Blazers. Because goshdarnit, if they can't be the best at football they might as well be the best at losing. And if losing was winning, UAB would be Rocky Balboa. And in this confusing metaphor, every boxing match would start off with Rocky beating the living mess out of a Russian. Then the music would climax and the crowd would cheer, and just as the Russian is about to keel over, Rocky would take off his gloves and start giving shoulder massages. And then the Russian, feeling relaxed and refreshed, would launch his fist through Rocky’s teeth and into his brain stem.

You’ve done it Rocky! You’re the worst! U-A-B! U-A-B!

*Wait - did I just hear several doors slam outside? Probably just the neighbor kid acting up...and...uh, slamming his door. Eleven times. Oh well...

As I was saying, the Blazers are consistently ranked about 110 out of 120 teams, but the university administration seems very okay with that, even going as far as extending Coach Calloway's contract after four straight losing seasons. It's clear that the higher-ups at UAB care more about silly things like test scores and graduation rates, but when I go to parties I can't start talking about how the incoming freshmen ACT average rose 3% this year. I need to talk about how my alma mater's football team emasculated and pillaged someone else's alma mater's football team, because that’s how people socialize here, and I want to fit in.

I want UAB to succeed, and I think they have the potential to be a respected team. I really do. That's why it's so hard to be a Blazer fan, because they never quite live up to that potential. Not enough people get behind the program, because the program doesn't seem to take itself too seriously. I loved my time on campus as a Blazer, and a decent football program would be a good way to get people talking about UAB on a national level or within the state. But even if they have another losing season this year, and all signs are pointing to Callowayan levels of disaster, I’ll be in the stands. Alone and booing and mayb-

*What was that thud!? It almost sounded like cleats pounding on a flat surface, maybe against a wall, possibly a d- oh hey, visitors! Hopefully they know I was just joking around. Just blowing off steam. Nothing to get m- AAAHHYYYYEEEIII!!!!ig/rqw5’kn.df38