The Vortex of Arterial Doom

Blues Traveler and I set out for Atlanta last Friday evening. No, I’m not on tour with John Popper and his 10,000 harmonicas, but “Blues Traveler” is the name I’ve given my car until something better comes along (honorable mentions: Blue’s Clues; Blue Man Group; You My Boy, Blue; One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish). After picking up Aaron, our first stop was The Vortex in Little Five Points.

Little Five Points is a lot like Birmingham’s Five Points if you took everything that makes the area unique and cranked it to eleven. Little Five Points’ shops are more eclectic, its hipsters are hipsterier, and its hobos are hoboier. It is a melting pot of fringe cultures, and I love it. It’s hard to walk through Little Five Points without strangers talking to you, though. The last time I was there, I was attacked by a hippie. Not a physical attack, mind you. He was trying to get me to donate to some worthy cause I wasn’t interested in. As he heaped on the guilt, no doubt noticing the Futurama action figure I had just purchased instead of donating to his non-profit, I kept thinking “Darn, how do I get away from this hippie without feeling like a terrible person?” Then I realized that we looked very similar, right down to the hair and beard. Apparently the only things that separate me from a hippie are sandals and a petition clipboard. I walked away feeling like a terrible person.

Anyway, back to The Vortex. It’s a very chic/grungy/hip/trendy restaurant and bar that specializes in giant hamburgers designed to mock the plight of third world countries. They serve something they call The Triple Coronary Bypass, which is also the name I’m going to give my horse if I ever enter the Kentucky Derby. It consists of two half-pound beef patties, two fried eggs, eight slices of cheese, ten slices of bacon, a half-gallon of Crisco, and a small suckling pig. I only made up those last two. But the kicker – and this part I’m not making up – is that instead of buns, they use grilled cheese sandwiches! Three in total. I opted for something more health conscious and ordered the regular Coronary Bypass.

You don't just eat at The Vortex, The Vortex eats you.

The next day Aaron and I went to Underground Atlanta to do some loitering before our scheduled tour of Atlanta’s old rail system. The shops in Underground Atlanta mostly sell Obama t-shirts and fake jewelry, so we passed the majority of our time in a dollar store that sells items deemed too cheap and poorly made for shanty town flea markets. Every toy had packaging with hilariously awkward sentences and misspelled words.

Laser Soung Gun with real laser soungs! It make happy play time!

Our tour started in the early afternoon, and we walked all over downtown Atlanta learning about old buildings and how the railroad industry shaped the city. The tour guide was bursting with bits of Atlanta trivia. The most interesting story was how Atlanta got its name. It was originally called Terminus, but then citizens adopted the name Marthasville. Realizing that this name sounded like a borough of San Francisco, a train engineer hung up a sign by the rail station that said “Atlanta”. Just like that, the name stuck. Now that I know all you have to do to change a city’s name is hang a sign up on the edge of town, I plan on getting some poster board and Sharpies and renaming Birmingham as New Nathantown. The original Nathantown was created in SimCity back in 1994, but was ultimately destroyed by my brutal tax oppression and Bowser.

When the tour ended we headed over to Turner field and watched the Braves beat the Mets. After the game there was a special concert by Styx, best known for their 1977 hit “That One Song” and also “That Other Song They Sing”. I was actually impressed by their performance. All the members of Styx are about 60 years old, but they are still spry and rocking out on stage. The keyboardist was especially mobile, jumping up on his piano and gyrating wildly. I can only hope I’m doing the same thing when I’m his age. I also hope no one says, “Sir, please get down from there. This is your granddaughter’s piano recital, and you are scaring the children.”

"Buzzkill."

We met up with Aaron’s girlfriend, Caitlin, after the concert and went to a restaurant to play trivia. Aaron and Caitlin are both very good at trivia, and I really only contributed to questions concerning my two specialties - Lay’s Potato Chips and the television series 7^th Heaven. I’ve played Aaron in trivial pursuit dozens of times, and I’ve never won. Since he’s older than me, my plan is to play him again when he goes senile first.

"Eat it, Aaron!"

I bid adieu to Atlanta after attending sacrament service at the North Point YSA Ward on Sunday. Blues Traveler and I made the drive back home while listening to Atlanta’s awesome 80’s and 90’s radio station. Like the chorus to my favorite songs, I’m eagerly awaiting my next trip to Atlanta. Because the hook brings you back.