Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Big Two-Six


“Twenty-six.”

Go ahead, say it out loud. It rolls off the tongue like a deflated basketball that makes a sploink sound when you try to dribble it. It’s just so…so…close to thirty. Sure, it's only a number, but it's a terrible, stupid number that should be twice as feared as thirteen. I could round down to twenty when I was twenty-five, because the basic principles of math are easy to ignore when they don’t suit your needs, but twenty-six? That’s boarding the train to Thirtyville, next stop Responsibilityhood, layover in Metamuciltown.

Okay, so twenty-six isn’t actually old in the scheme of things, but it can feel that way sometimes. Many people may not know this, but single Mormon males age faster than your average white protestant, much like dogs. It’s true. For example, in Mormon years I am very close to being lit on fire and set adrift on an ice flow into the Arctic Ocean. Wait, maybe that’s the Eskimos. Or the Vikings.

Anyway, I’ve decided to give twenty-six a chance. I mean really get to know it. Buy it dinner, have awkward conversation. Maybe invite it back to my place to show it my Magic: The Gathering card collection before it feigns a phone call and jumps out of my second-story window.


“Third time this month. I’ve really got to start buying stronger windows…”


And in order to become at peace with twenty-six, I’ve done some introspection. Am I at a good spot in my life? Have I grown as a person? Did I watch enough television? Possibly too much? For this reason I’ve decided to let 16 year-old Nathan interview me, 26 year-old Nathan. I don’t have time to think of a good set up for how this could feasibly happen.


 Okay, fine. I built a time traveling Delorean out of Legos. Happy?

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16 Year-Old Nathan: Dude, whatsup? Ha, nice hair.

26 Year-Old Nathan: Hey, man. Not much. Nice Linkin Park shirt! *snicker*

16: What?

26: Nothing, nothing. Anyway, you want to ask me stuff about the future you…the current me?

16: Yeah, so…you’re a rock star by now, right?

26: No.

16: Professional skateboarder?

26: No.

16: Dang…Are you at least a bear wrestler?

26: No. I work in public relations.

16: I don’t even know what that means.

26: It’s a job that allows you to write and do graphic design, two things you will realize later in life that you really enjoy doing. It will not pay a whole lot, it does not come with groupies, and it rarely requires you to wrestle bears.

16: …Oh. Okay. So, umm do you still have the same friends?

26: No. I mean, I still know all your current friends. I keep track of them through Facebook.

16: Facebook? What’s that?

26: It’s like AOL Instant Messenger, except more potent and injected straight into your veins.

16: Oh…kay.

26: Your old friends will always be a part of your life. Friendships will change, though. People come and go, except for Cameron. Cameron will always be there, and according to my recent interview with 36 Year-Old Nathan, you will eventually end up living in his basement, only coming out at night to drink his milk straight from the carton while in your underpants.

16: I always kinda figured that’s how it would be.

26: The new friends you make in your twenties will be awesome, though. They will come to your 26th birthday party at Cracker Barrel and watch you drown your sorrows at the bottom of a pile of pancakes.

16: I was hoping I would still love pancakes.

26: Your love of pancakes still borders on unnatural, yes.

16: So, am I married by then?

26: Yes, you are married. Married…to the streets!

16: Um…

26: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

16: Those are just rap clichés. They don’t even answer my q-

26: Put your hands in the air if you feel fine.

16: …

26: Okay, so I’m not married, but that hasn’t exactly been high up on the ol’ list of things to do. There are still several Zelda games I have yet to beat, and I still have priorities.




16: Ah, well that’s understandable. So from what I gather, you’ve got a job you enjoy, friends who care about you, and you still have time to play video games?

26: Uhh, yes that’s pretty much how it is.

16: So what the heck are you griping about?

26: Excuse me?

16: You’ve got it good! Why are you complaining?

26: Don’t you get that tone with me, young man! I’ll call your father and tell him you’ve been driving the Blazer to Birmingham and that’s why the gas tank is always empty!

16: Look, all I’m saying is that life hasn’t turned out the way you planned it – wrestling bears in an illegal underground bear wrestling ring while playing stadium arena rock concerts on the weekends to sustain your bear wrestling habit. But it’s still a good life.

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I hate it when I’m right! Things are pretty good right now. I think I will actually enjoy twenty six. I’ll reassess my life when I’m thirty.


Thirty will require at least this many pancakes.


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