I like to take a moment each December and look back at the previous year to assess myself. I ask the important questions. Have I accomplished everything I set out to do this year? Is my life heading in the direction I want it to go? Am I married to Taylor Swift yet? Nearly all of these questions can be answered on a sliding scale of “no” to “the law still dictates that I stay 100 yards away at all times”. But 2011 hasn’t been a bad year. So I’m going to list a few highlights from the past 12 months while resisting the urge to make things up so I sound more fascinating to internet strangers.
I started a blog
You probably already knew that, because you're reading it right now. But what you don't know is that literally tens of other people read it as well, a couple of which are outside of my immediate circle of friends. According to my Blogger stats, those who aren't my friends stumble upon this blog while searching for things such as "monster truck Power Wheels", "Grapico ice cream", "Camp Anawanna", and the one I'm most proud of - "bloated milk carton". As you can imagine due to the soaring popularity, I'm currently drafting the Where It Gets Awkward sitcom to appear on CBS, as well as a Broadway adaptation starring Bo Bice and a young James Taylor.
Both of which will take turns playing me, à la the Olsen Twins.
I became an uncle
Not a real uncle. No, my brothers and I are in a competition to see who can be the last one to produce a Lee heir, and so far it’s a dead heat. But I play dirty, and what they don’t know is that I’ve signed them up for a child through an underground Cambodian adoption service.
There was a mix-up in the paperwork, though. Meet Ralph, your new bundle of joy.
Actually, it was my best friend Cameron and his wife Cassidy who had a baby, Cohen. At the risk of sounding like a terrible person, Cohen is the first baby I’ve had an emotional attachment to. Don’t get me wrong, babies are great little poop machines and all, it’s just that I’ve always thought of them more fondly when they were in another room, or possibly on television. When people show me a picture of a child, my thought process is often “Yep, that is the newborn of my species. Although it kinda looks like an alien, but I would never tell the mother that because her tone and body language suggest I should be having a different reaction than that right now.” But little Cohen is a cute kid, and I even voluntarily hold him and play with him sometimes, until he starts crying and I start panicking and I give him back to Cameron. I guess Cohen and I are both taking baby steps! Hahaha! (Note to self: Make better jokes in 2012)
I got a job
I started 2011 as a bum who spent the previous 9 months sleeping til noon, playing video games, and lounging by the pool. It was a glorious time of relaxation, the likes of which I may never experience again, but it was also a soul-crushing time of inner struggle, the likes of which I hope I never experience again. Sometimes I would wonder what I was doing with my life, and where I was going to find employment, and then other times I laughed at my goober friends who were in an office all day while I was reading at the pool and getting a tan. But I honestly grew a lot as a person, because I found out that without structure I become a lazy, spoiling sack of potatoes unless I keep myself in check. I found a new job in January in public relations, a field I enjoy. It keeps me inside most of the time, so I’m back to ghastly white, but on the plus side it came with Photoshop.
At least I'm tan on the internet.
I bought a new car
I've already written about this, but it's important enough to be on the list. Although the overwhelming consensus was that my new car is a girl's color, and that everyone misses the Saturn. My old car suited me better according to friends, and I understand what they mean. It had personality. It had flavor. It had a piece of styrofoam where a car door should have been.
"Nathan, you are truly the '99 Saturn SC2 of people" only sounds like an insult, but is, in fact, quite an honor.
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So here's to you, 2011. You were a good year. You taught me that great things can come out of adversity, that time is a priceless commodity to be used on the people and things that are most important, that babies are still pretty gross but have redeemable qualities, and that cars start to resemble their owners like pugs and ugly people. You also gave me a platform to share these life lessons and mostly ridiculous anecdotes with strangers on the internet who just wanted to find the lyrics to the Salute Your Shorts theme song. Thanks, 2011.
And to 2012, I've got a good feeling about you. With everything falling into place, I suspect a certain someone will rethink that silly ol' restraining order, come to her senses, and settle down with the man of her dre-
RALPH, YOU RAT FINK!
