Things That Burn My Biscuits: “Holiday” Edition

Things That Burn My Biscuits is a series composed of trivial matters that send me into a quiet fury. Sometimes I write these matters down and post them on my Facebook, and sometimes I store them in my head and wait for strangers or friends to say the wrong thing (…"NO I’M NOT SAD THE WHITE STRIPES BROKE UP! THEY ARE TERRIBLE, JUST LIKE YOUR FACE!”) Don’t be fooled by my usually calm demeanor and glassy stare, though. Inside I’m raging about the latest Grammy nominees, or the fact that pleated pants still exist. But I digress. This edition is all about the holidays, and why I want to set them on fire. If you do not want to be encumbered by my petty ramblings, please, read no further.

Using “Happy holidays” to not offend

I’m not coming at this from a Christian conservative viewpoint. I’m coming at this from a common sense viewpoint. What exactly do we mean when we say “happy holidays”? Is it “I hope you have an enjoyable World AIDS Day!”

No.

“How aboot that Boxing Day, eh?”

Nuh-uh. We’re talking about Christmas. You can make the case for Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, but when was the last time you ever saw a TV or print ad that said “Happy Holidays” and it wasn’t filled with decidedly Christmas imagery?

I’ll answer that for you. This is the first time.

It’s pretty clear Holidays = Christmas (and to a lesser extent New Year’s), so let’s just call it what it is. I realize it’s grown to be bigger than just a Christian holiday, and has some pagan influence in tradition. You don’t have to be a believer to enjoy the festivities. But if you wake up on December 25^th, open presents, and deal with the crushing disappointment that for the 20^th year in a row you did not receive a Power Wheels replica monster truck, then whether you want to admit it or not you’re celebrating Christmas.

I will gladly trade my Chevy Aveo for one of these.

I work in marketing and public relations, an industry designed to not offend anyone ever for any reason. If I ever tried to use the word “Christmas” in a Christmas add I would be whisked away by lawyers in the middle of the night, put in a burlap sack, and beaten with lawsuits and termination papers. But the worst case scenario in slipping “Merry Christmas” into an add is that it falls into the hands of someone who doesn’t celebrate it. Big deal. They weren’t going to shop at your store to buy Christmas presents anyway. To me, it’s just like when friends who are atheist and practice new-age philosophy say “I’m sending good vibes your way.” It’s the equivalent of their prayer. Whether I think it will do any good or not, I know that person cares about me enough to wish me well. I don’t get offended just because I don’t practice their beliefs.

“Hey there, Sally! Why yes, I am feeling better. I appreciate the virgin sacrifice, 

but maybe next time just send a get well card.”

White Christmas Lights

Okay, I don’t hate white Christmas lights. It’s just the fact that colored Christmas lights are so much awesomer in comparison that it feels a lot like hate sometimes. Every year my family decorates a Christmas tree, and every year I lobby for colored lights. The argument is that white lights are classier, more elegant. But that’s the thing, I like my Christmas trees to be the biggest, gawdiest, loudest, hillbilliest epilepsy triggers on the face of the planet. I want aliens passing by in the cosmos to know that 10 million years ago, the Lee family had the brightest, most distasteful Christmas tree ever. If it were up to me, I’d import a redwood and adorn it with hubcaps and flamethrowers.

"TOO SUBTLE! NEEDS MORE LIGHTS!" 

Cranberry sauce

Cranberry sauce is a Thanksgiving favorite here in the States and a Christmas favorite in the UK, despite the fact that it tastes like cranberries. My theory is that cranberry sauce is produced from the regurgitation of cattle that have accidentally wandered into bogs and ingested cranberries thinking they were cherries. Honest mistake, really. After all, cattle are stupid, and cherries are delicious. But I don’t understand humans who put it on their plate knowing good and well that it is a by-product of cranberries. I also don’t understand why cranberry sauce comes in two different varieties - lumpy gelatinous globules and human tissue cross section. When someone asks me which of the two types of cranberry sauce I want, all I hear them say is, “Would you like me to punch you in the face with my right hand, or punch you in the face with my left hand?” The answer is whichever is not their dominant hand, or whichever variety doesn't jiggle for as long after I poke it disapprovingly with my fork. 

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Whew! I feel better having typed all that out. I've got to keep my inner Scrooge in check. Pay no attention to my ranting and raving, because I really do love this time of year. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Happy Holidays Merry Christmas.