And Now for Something Completely Different

Streams of light filtered through the blinds and fell across my face. I tightened my closed eyes and stretched as birds chirped a happy tune outside my window. I groggily sat up in bed and let my eyes adjust to the new day. "Better get ready for work!" I exclaimed to no one in particular.

"Work?" said Mr. Toodles. "You don't have to go to work today!"

I dangled my legs over the edge of the mattress and smoothed the wrinkled sheets with my hands. "Oh, that's right, it's President's Day!"

In honor of your birthday, all women's and junior's tops are an extra 20% off at Macy's.

"Yes, that's very true." Mr. Toodles chimed, his thick British accent encumbering all the vowels. "But also, you were fired last Friday."

"Fired!" I blinked hard and crooked my neck to face Mr. Toodles. He was peering at me from the edge of the bed, motionless, and his coal eyes seemed to give his words more weight. The birds outside were oblivious to the bad news and continued their gaeity. "What do you mean I was fired!"

"Oh dear, you don't remember?You were quite upset last Friday evening when you came home. Really, you don't recall?"

I racked my mind but all I could think about was how hungry I was. I would have waffles later, I decided. Maybe pancakes. "No, I don't recall."

"Well then I am afriad you have lost your marbles." Mr. Toodles said with a hint of a smirk. "The stress has made you crack!"

"That's absurd!" I rebutted. "I'm just fine!"

"Oh yes, I think you've gone off the deep end. Quite so. For example, have you not noticed that you are currently talking to a penguin? And not just any penguin, sir, but a Pillow Pet at that?"

"Seriously, you don't remember telling me I was a better conversationalist than the toaster?"

I looked at Mr. Toodles intently and considered his case. That did explain his monochromatic and polyester fiber feathers. I quickly accepted his words as true, but resigned myself to his company.

"Wha-What happened, Mr. Toodles? Did I send signed photocopies of my butt to the Board of Directors? That's how I always planned to go out."

Mr. Toodles politely giggled. "No, you apparently 'don't have a sense of urgency'."

"That's preposterous!" I retorted, standing up. I paced the floor in front of my bed and nervously tucked my hair behind my ears. "No sense of urgency? I probably went to the bathroom eight or nine times a day!"

"I don't think that's what your boss meant." Mr. Toodles unlatched his velcro strap and sprawled belly up. "Lie down, it'll calm you." I hesitantly nestled my head on the white swath of synthetic filling and relaxed my limbs as I steadied my tempestuous breathing. "My boss," I recited. "Is this the same boss that once scolded me for not panicking enough?"

'Why can't you be more like Jenkins over there, who has stripped off his 

clothing and is screaming in a puddle of his own urine?'

"Yes, the very one," Mr. Toodles assured, his voice soft next to my ear. "According to our conversation on Friday, she had some similarly absurd complaints this time. Do you recall the time you wore jeans to work on what you thought was casual day, but as it turns out was not casual day?"

The cieling blurred in and out of my view as my eyelids grew heavier. "I remember that. It was about six months ago, I believe. I apologized profusely and never let it happen again."

"Well, she held on to that infraction. Held on to it like a mother holds an ugly child, pressed into her bosom to protect it from the world and from scorn." Mr. Toodles' voice was now raspy and dramatic, and the Britishness of his accent grew more cockney. "Though all the while she nurtures it and lets it grow, only allowing its twisted, hideous face to be seen when you least expect it!"

A palpable pause filled the conversation and my eyes were now shut. "That...was an awful metaphor, Mr. Toodles. But I see what you're saying. Surely, other reasons were given for my forced departure."

"Sure, other reasons were given," Mr. Toodles replied, "but many of them were baffling, and none of them warranted expulsion. Even at the end, she still maintained that you were generally excellent at your job."

"That's crazy!" I exclaimed, now slightly more aware in the last desperate throes of consciousness before sleep takes over.

"Crazy?" Mr. Toodles chuckled. "You're the one that's currently typing what can only be described as Pillow Pet fanfiction."

Without lifting my head from Mr. Toodles' stomach I looked down to see that my laptop was open and that I had been feverishly typing our conversation. That did explain the annoying clickety-clack sound.

"Crazy like a fox!!!!!" I said while grinning and typing redundant and frivolous exclamation points, just the way my previous employer would have liked it. The glib line didn't make sense in context, but thankfully Mr. Toodles relinquished any opportunity for harassment and showed concern.

"So, what will you do now?"

I traced his words in my mind and felt a heavy peace come over me. I wasn't sure if it was because of sleep or something else. "I don't know, Mr. Toodles," I sighed. "I just don't know. Maybe I'll do something completely different."

And with that the room fell silent.