“Birmingham. She is my city, and I
her protector. I feel her pulse in my veins, like the rhythmic
shuffling of the lawyers and accountants downtown. Blank-faced drones
that pour out of Harbert Plaza and sprawl out into the suburbs each
evening. But she's not alone when they leave. No. She's the city that
never sleeps. Unless it's after 6:00 pm, and then she enjoys a good
nap. But I'm there with her when night falls. The streets come alive
again, but this time the pulse is drugs. It's gangs. It's dice in the
alleys. And I, I am the shadows.”
“Nate!" someone interrupts. "Who are you talking to outside
that window?”
I whirl around and see Emily with a
familiar look on her face. It's the same one she gives when I start
talking about Magic: The Gathering. “Daggumit, Emily, can't you see
I'm inner monologueing here!”
“You're what?” Her look dissolves
to pity, like the one she gives when I talk about eating at Waffle
House alone. “What are you doing?”
“Inner monologueing!” I retort
loudly, hoping that would be sufficient explanation. Several awkward
moments pass. “Geez, every superhero worth their weight in justice
has a moment where they look out over their city and express their
inner-most thoughts.”
“Oh.” She squints at me, her eyes
rolling down and back up as she no doubt examines my muscular frame.
“So you think you're a superhero now. Is that why you're wearing
your underpants over your jeans and you have a bed sheet wrapped
around your neck?”
“It's not a bed sheet, it's a fancy
tablecloth!” I yell. Some superheroes get caught up in the glitz of
the profession, but I'm a substance kind of guy. “And yes, I've
found my new career. I'm a superhero now, a protector of Birmingham
and all that is good.”
“That's...probably the dumbest thing
I've ever heard. You work in marketing, and you need to find a real
job soon. Nate, I-”
“No, please,” I cut her off. “Nate
was my marketing name. That's the name of an office pawn, not the
awesome dispenser of justice I am now. You can call me...” I put my
hands on my hips, stand with my feet at shoulder width, and turn my
head sharply to the left for effect. “Natman!”
Emily burst into a hysterical fit of
chuckles and snorts, and I don't even remember shooting her with my
laughter ray. I must've though. She eventually regains her composure.
“Natman? Isn't that a bit, I don't know...derivative?”
“Your face is derivative!” Emily
crosses her arms and gives me that look she gives when I say things
that don't make any sense. “I'm still working on my superhero
comebacks,” I say dejectedly.
“Well, your friends are worried about
you.” She moves closer and puts her hand on my arm. “You've been
out of work for two months, and you have too much free time. Being a
superhero doesn't pay anything, though. And marketing is what you're
good at. Also, didn't you dislocate your shoulder one time while
sitting up in bed? Maybe you should-”
“SHAZOW!” I shout, trying out my
new catchphrase as I reach into my utility belt and throw flash bombs
onto the floor. I use the distraction to run past Emily and out into
the hallway.
“These are just Snap 'n Pops!” she calls out as I close the door behind me.
I check my watch and realize I've got a
meeting with Mayor Bell soon. I follow the hallway and knock on a big
white door to collect my sidekick. “Zach Attack!” I screech.
“It's time for our meeting with Mayor Bell!” I hear rustling
coming from the other side of the door, but it doesn't open. “Zach
Attaaaaaaaaaaaaack!”
“For the last time, I'm not your
stupid sidekick!” Zach grumbles. I can't see him through the door,
but I'm pretty sure his beard is glistening. “And 'Zach Attack' is
a stupid name!”
“Oh c'mon!” I exclaim. “You were
almost 'Zobin'.” I pause to consider that Emily was right. “Anyway,
we're running late. To the Natmobile!”
“You drive a Chevy Aveo,” Zach
Attack reminds me flatly. “And you're not a superhero. You just
have too much time on your hands.” Silence fills the hallway as I
ponder his words. I press my ear up against the door and hear him
quietly add, “Besides, if anyone was anyone's sidekick, you'd be
mine.” I bet Robin never got so uppity.
“I don't need you!” I bellow. “I'll
go see the mayor by myself. And don't come crawling back when I'm all
up in the newspapers for saving babies and puppies, and they license
my story to make a movie starring a young Johnny Depp!”
Zach cracks the door open swiftly, with
just enough space to crane his head inches from my face. I was right,
his beard is glistening. It's like it's radiating masculinity. This
would be his super power, if he hadn't burned that bridge with me
only seconds ago. “The mayor actually called earlier,” he starts.
My eyes widen with anticipation. Zach releases the tension in his
shoulders and the attitude from his voice. “He says to stop showing
up at City Hall, he refuses to install anything called a 'Nat
Signal', he won't give you a red phone with direct access, and that
if he needs your services he will email you. But then he said that
under no circumstances would he ever, ever email you.”
I drop eye contact and ask sheepishly,
“Not even if King Kong were attacking the city?”
“'Especially if King Kong were
attacking the city.' That was an actual quote. Also, he says to go
find a real job.”
I slink off back to my room as I
unfasten the fancy tablecloth from around my neck and fold it into a
square. The swaying of trees in the wind invites me to the window,
and as I gaze out I hear the faint, far-off sounds of police sirens.
The corners of my mouth slowly edge upwards. “I am the unemployed
superhero Birmingham deserves, but not the one it needs right now,” I say proudly.
“Stop that!” I look down to see
Emily standing directly below my window.
A superhero should be cognizant of their surroundings. I make a mental note to work on that.
