The Unemployed Superhero

“Birmingham. She is my city, and I her protector. I feel her pulse in my veins, like the rhythmic shuffling of the lawyers and accountants downtown. Blank-faced drones that pour out of Harbert Plaza and sprawl out into the suburbs each evening. But she's not alone when they leave. No. She's the city that never sleeps. Unless it's after 6:00 pm, and then she enjoys a good nap. But I'm there with her when night falls. The streets come alive again, but this time the pulse is drugs. It's gangs. It's dice in the alleys. And I, I am the shadows.”

“Nate!" someone interrupts. "Who are you talking to outside that window?”

I whirl around and see Emily with a familiar look on her face. It's the same one she gives when I start talking about Magic: The Gathering. “Daggumit, Emily, can't you see I'm inner monologueing here!”

“You're what?” Her look dissolves to pity, like the one she gives when I talk about eating at Waffle House alone. “What are you doing?”

“Inner monologueing!” I retort loudly, hoping that would be sufficient explanation. Several awkward moments pass. “Geez, every superhero worth their weight in justice has a moment where they look out over their city and express their inner-most thoughts.”

“Oh.” She squints at me, her eyes rolling down and back up as she no doubt examines my muscular frame. “So you think you're a superhero now. Is that why you're wearing your underpants over your jeans and you have a bed sheet wrapped around your neck?”

“It's not a bed sheet, it's a fancy tablecloth!” I yell. Some superheroes get caught up in the glitz of the profession, but I'm a substance kind of guy. “And yes, I've found my new career. I'm a superhero now, a protector of Birmingham and all that is good.”

“That's...probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You work in marketing, and you need to find a real job soon. Nate, I-”

“No, please,” I cut her off. “Nate was my marketing name. That's the name of an office pawn, not the awesome dispenser of justice I am now. You can call me...” I put my hands on my hips, stand with my feet at shoulder width, and turn my head sharply to the left for effect. “Natman!”

Emily burst into a hysterical fit of chuckles and snorts, and I don't even remember shooting her with my laughter ray. I must've though. She eventually regains her composure. “Natman? Isn't that a bit, I don't know...derivative?”

“Your face is derivative!” Emily crosses her arms and gives me that look she gives when I say things that don't make any sense. “I'm still working on my superhero comebacks,” I say dejectedly.

“Well, your friends are worried about you.” She moves closer and puts her hand on my arm. “You've been out of work for two months, and you have too much free time. Being a superhero doesn't pay anything, though. And marketing is what you're good at. Also, didn't you dislocate your shoulder one time while sitting up in bed? Maybe you should-”

“SHAZOW!” I shout, trying out my new catchphrase as I reach into my utility belt and throw flash bombs onto the floor. I use the distraction to run past Emily and out into the hallway.

“These are just Snap 'n Pops!” she calls out as I close the door behind me.

I check my watch and realize I've got a meeting with Mayor Bell soon. I follow the hallway and knock on a big white door to collect my sidekick. “Zach Attack!” I screech. “It's time for our meeting with Mayor Bell!” I hear rustling coming from the other side of the door, but it doesn't open. “Zach Attaaaaaaaaaaaaack!”

“For the last time, I'm not your stupid sidekick!” Zach grumbles. I can't see him through the door, but I'm pretty sure his beard is glistening. “And 'Zach Attack' is a stupid name!”

“Oh c'mon!” I exclaim. “You were almost 'Zobin'.” I pause to consider that Emily was right. “Anyway, we're running late. To the Natmobile!”

“You drive a Chevy Aveo,” Zach Attack reminds me flatly. “And you're not a superhero. You just have too much time on your hands.” Silence fills the hallway as I ponder his words. I press my ear up against the door and hear him quietly add, “Besides, if anyone was anyone's sidekick, you'd be mine.” I bet Robin never got so uppity.

“I don't need you!” I bellow. “I'll go see the mayor by myself. And don't come crawling back when I'm all up in the newspapers for saving babies and puppies, and they license my story to make a movie starring a young Johnny Depp!”

Zach cracks the door open swiftly, with just enough space to crane his head inches from my face. I was right, his beard is glistening. It's like it's radiating masculinity. This would be his super power, if he hadn't burned that bridge with me only seconds ago. “The mayor actually called earlier,” he starts. My eyes widen with anticipation. Zach releases the tension in his shoulders and the attitude from his voice. “He says to stop showing up at City Hall, he refuses to install anything called a 'Nat Signal', he won't give you a red phone with direct access, and that if he needs your services he will email you. But then he said that under no circumstances would he ever, ever email you.”

I drop eye contact and ask sheepishly, “Not even if King Kong were attacking the city?”

“'Especially if King Kong were attacking the city.' That was an actual quote. Also, he says to go find a real job.”

I slink off back to my room as I unfasten the fancy tablecloth from around my neck and fold it into a square. The swaying of trees in the wind invites me to the window, and as I gaze out I hear the faint, far-off sounds of police sirens. The corners of my mouth slowly edge upwards. “I am the unemployed superhero Birmingham deserves, but not the one it needs right now,” I say proudly.

“Stop that!” I look down to see Emily standing directly below my window.

A superhero should be cognizant of their surroundings. I make a mental note to work on that.