Heck's Kitchen

“What’ll it be for dinner, Toodles ol’ chum? Taco Bell or Krystal?” I ask while swatting a week’s worth of Taco Bell and Krystal wrappers off the couch. They rain down on Toodles’ head as he angrily looks up at me with his black, beady eyes.

“For the last time, Nathan, I don’t eat. Stop buying me food!” He motions with his flippers to a pile of uneaten burgers and tacos on the counter, the stench of which hits my nostrils as if on cue.

“Remind me again why you don’t eat? Because if it’s the caliber of food you’re complaining about, I’ll remind you that those were Doritos Locos tacos, buddy. The filet mignon of tacos!” I exclaim, pronouncing each word phonetically.

Mr. Toodles has the defeated look of a man who has to explain calculus to monkeys. “Because”, he says softly in a feeble attempt to quell an outburst, “I am a Pillow Pet.”

That's exactly what someone pretending to be a Pillow Pet would say...

“Wait, I thought you were a penguin? Penguins eat food, right? Because I made a list of animals that don’t eat food one time, and the only thing on it was ‘puppies’.”

“YOU HAVE TO FEED PUPPIES!” Toodles shouts. I reflect silently and regretfully on this new information as he collects his cool. “As I have told you before, I am a Pillow Pet first and a penguin second. It’s true that Pillow Pets do not eat food, and they also do not talk. And you’ve been having a conversation with one, so…” His words trail off, and I can tell he expects me to fill in the rest of the sentence. I stare at him quizzically.

“Soooooo,” I say while looking around the room, stalling for time. “I’mmmmm…..also a Pillow Pet?”

“No, you idiot! You are a human and you’re having another sanity break!” Mr. Toodles sinks his beak into his cottony flippers.

“Oh. That makes more sense,” I assure him, even though there is no cause for assurance. “But I usually have these breaks when I’m stressed out, and things have been really chill recently. What gives?”

Mr. Toodles ponders for a moment and then replies, “I have a theory that this sanity break is actually caused by the fever dreams of a physical illness. Also, I am manifest from the part of your brain that wants help dealing with change and to help you grow as a person. Losing your job, moving to a new city – I’ve been with you for all of that. I think my duty this time is to get you to stop eating terrible fast food so much.”

“Illness? Eating terribly? Why do you think that?”

“Because,” he replies while pacing the floor, “you are currently eating from the moldy taco and hamburger pile.”

I look down to see that Toodles was right, I had been furiously double fisting green beef into my face throughout our entire conversation. “Owf, tha makth thenth,” I mumble, my mouth full of food.

“Come now. We’re going to the grocery store and you’re going to learn to cook real food like a normal human being.” Toodles bats my ankles and I follow as he waddles out to my car. I obediently drive to the grocery store and walk in with him cradled under my right arm like a football.

“Okay, Nathan, first thing’s first. What ingredients do you already have back at home?”

“Well let’s see.” I lovingly stroke Toodles’ head while perusing the produce aisle. I notice a few customers giving me odd looks, and I decide that they must’ve left their Pillow Pets at home. “I’ve got a pile of moldy hamburgers, some expired milk, and a few cans of Coke.”

Toodles scrunches up his face. “Well that’s not going to make a very pretty casserole. How much cooking experience do you have, anyway?”

“Exactly none. Unless you count that time I cooked fish in a George Foreman Grill. But you probably shouldn’t, because it looked and tasted like rubber bands.”

“Well then we’d better start small.” I nod my head in agreement as I scratch behind his ears. I receive more funny looks from people passing by, and I decide that they wish I was scratching behind their ears. “If you want to be taken seriously, you’ve got to start trying harder, though. How is it that you’ve been living by yourself for nine years and you’ve never actually cooked a meal? This skill might come in handy sometime and might help you persuade others to think that you are, in fact, a functioning adult.”

“You’re right, Toodles! What should I cook?”

“Hamburger Helper,” he responds. “It’s like training wheels for your kitchen. You’ll need a pound of ground beef.”

“A real, home cooked meal!” I take off running towards the meat aisle but stop when I see a very pretty woman carefully selecting items from the meat cooler. I run my hand through my hair, tighten Toodles in a more secure hold, and confidently stroll over next to her shopping cart. “Haha! Silly us,” I chuckle while waggling my eyebrows in what I would describe as a seductive fashion. “Our hands just touched while reaching for the same package of beef.” I increase the intensity of my eyebrow waggles. You can never be too forward with your eyebrows.

The woman looks startled, but calmly and slowly says, “No, actually you grabbed my hand while it was resting on my cart.”

“Dangit, I meant to time that better,” I say dejectedly. An awkward pause cuts a hole in our conversation that I desperately try to fill with the ferocity of my eyebrow dance.

Seen here interpreted by a zero gravity performance group

“Um, I’m going to go now,” she says and starts to pull away.

“Wait! I, uh, noticed you shopping for meat. I’m kind of a great chef myself. Well not a great chef per se, more of a this-is-my-first-trip-down-the-meat-aisle chef. Mr. Toodles here is about to teach me how to-.”

She cuts me off mid-sentence. “Is that a Pillow Pet in your hands?” I look down at Toodles, and he discreetly shakes his head.

“What? This? No, this is my…” I am searching for a suitable answer, my eyebrows now gyrating obscenely at mach speed. “…service animal.”

She considers my answer for a moment, but then quickly pushes her cart past me and Mr. Toodles. She does not stop for the cashiers and is running by the time she hits the parking lot. “Whew, I dodged a bullet, Toodles. That one’s a thief!”

Toodles has the absurdly impossible look of a man that has to explain monkeys to calculus. “Let’s just get home so I can teach you how to cook Hamburger Helper. All you do is put the meat in the pan and poke it until it turns brown, then add the noodles. There are all sorts of things you can cook at home, and once you master all of these simple, third-grade level steps, you won’t have to waste your money and subtract years of your lifespan by eating fast food twice a day.”

I proudly scoop up two packages of ground beef. “One for me and one for you. No fast food for us tonight!” I beam as my eyebrows finally calm to their resting position atop my supraorbital ridge.

Mr. Toodles sighs deeply.

I want to shake that hand's hand.

A Guide for College Graduates: Part II

Do you smell that? Take a deep breath of fresh air. That’s the scent of the pear trees blooming, their leaves flaunting their fresh hues and delicate, white buds riding the breeze to alert us of the new season. There is a hint of azalea in the aroma  - subtle and sweet.

Ah, the unmistakable bouquet of spring! But it’s not only the time of year when nature blitzkriegs your sinus cavities, it’s the time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to graduating college and finding a lucrative job. (Uh, and also a young woman’s fancy, so I don’t come off like some misogynistic office troll.)

 A sexy misogynistic office troll, that is

But before you 2013 graduates go darting off on interviews pumped full of Red Bull and optimism in your veins, allow me to offer some advice. Admittedly this is the worst type of advice -equal parts curmudgeonly and unsolicited – but it’s important to know what you’re up against. It’s been four years since my last Guide for College Graduates, and I’ve learned so much more since then. So please, put down your resumes, take this guide with a grain of salt, and realize that your results may vary*.

The Answer is “Yes”

You will start off your career as someone’s underling. If you are unfamiliar with the term ‘underling’ its root is the Latin ‘underpantsicus’ which means “to be strapped to the fleshy curves or undesirable regions of a body”. As an underling you will be form fitted to support the sagging weight of your superior’s ego. It’s best if you simply say “yes’ when presented with ideas, because when your boss asks for your input on a project he (or she, of course) doesn’t actually want your input, he/she wants validation on their own input. Disagreeing will be seen as being combative and disrespectful, and I have personally been tongue-lashed for politely disagreeing with a boss’s stupid, stupid idea before. Let’s do some role play to make sure you understand.

The wrong way:

Gender non-specific boss: “I think we should shutter our Birmingham office and divert all of our funds to manufacturing bayonets for the Swiss military. Do you agree?”

You: “No, Ma’amsir. Switzerland is a historically peaceful country, having claimed neutrality since 1499. Also, we are a children’s nonprofit organization that supplies mentors to disadvantaged youths. I feel like producing military weapons isn’t feasible with our infrastructure and is terribly misaligned with our core values.”

Ma’amsir: How dare you oppose me!

“HOW DARE YOU DEFY THE MOST POWERFUL BOSS IN THE WORLD!”

The right way:

Ma’amsir: “This annual report looks boring. I think we should label all of our ‘losses’ as ‘assets’ because that word is prettier. Do you agree?”

You: “…Yes.”

Ma’amsir: “You’re right I do have awesome ideas! That kind of attitude will make you Head Coffee Fetcher someday. Now go find me the guy who operates my Keurig, Coffee Fetcher Fetcher.”

If It’s You or Them, Them Always Wins

Many of you will want to start your career with a company and stay there for many, many years. Possibly until retirement or you’re buried in that final cubicle in the ground. You will feel this way either because you’re a decent human being filled with a sense of loyalty, or you’re the type of clingy that calls ex-lovers 37 times a day. Whichever the case, just remember that you are placing your attachment into an entity that neither reciprocates that attachment nor is capable of doing so. Your company is just an abstract concept. Oh sure, people are walking around the office that are the tangible figure heads of that entity, but they are bound by markets and pressures from up the hierarchal ladder and – look me in the eyes as I’m typing this – their fidelity is to themselves. And yours should be too.

You have got to look out for your future and make the career choices that will benefit you, despite whatever you think you owe your company. Your boss will never walk up to you and say, “You are an excellent employee. You should take a job at a competing company because they will pay you more and treat you better than we ever could.” And when the market goes to crap, or your boss’s boss is pressuring him (her) to cut costs, your boss isn’t going to fire hermself. It’ll be your loyal keester in the trash bin.

Don’t Be a Weasel

So now that you’re being selfish with your career choices (if you can call it that, and I guess technically you can) there’s one important thing to remember: Don’t be a sleazy weasel about it. You can look out for number one without throwing your coworkers under the bus to appear better in the eyes of the company. But trust me, there are people out there who would absolutely do that to you if given the chance. They would frame their own grandmother for white collar crimes if they thought it would earn them an approving glance from the (wo)man in charge. You’ve just got to identify who the weasels are and avoid them like that moldy sandwich in the back of the break room fridge.

Spotting a weasel at work can be tough, but it’s a safe bet to look for a clashing tie-shirt combo.

Become One with Inefficiency

There’s a good chance that something about your job will be terribly inefficient. For example, your boss (who I will establish as a woman) might send you an email asking you to email Sally (who I will establish as a man, because there is no bias here) about a report, despite the fact that your boss also has Sally’s email address and is currently talking to him about the email she is writing you. “Hold on, Sally, let me finish this email to Lee to ask him to ask you about that report. He’ll let me know your reply later. Now, back to the inappropriate-for-the-workplace discussion on what I did last weekend…”

Should you find yourself in these ridiculous situations you can try to correct it by informing your superior of a better, more direct approach to the matter. But just know that you run a high risk of being that one guy who tries to buck the system. They’ll talk about you in the break room. “Hey, did ya see Showalter this morning sending an email directly to someone without the middleman? Who does he think he is? A system bucker? Some kind of swashbuckling buck monster that devours systems?”

You will not be able to change everything you’d like, because you can’t control the other pieces in the greater Rube Goldberg machine that is your company. You can barely control yourself sometimes. Should you need to vent these frustrations, I suggest grabbing your nearest underling, like an intern or Assistant Coffee Fetcher Fetcher, and shaking them violently.

The system can’t be fixed! THE SYYYSSTEEEEMMMMM!!!!

That’s all the wisdom I can muster in this edition. Maybe in another four years I will dole out some more unsolicited, even curmudgeonlier advice. But until then, don’t let this guide get your spirits down! You’ll be on top of that corporate world before you know it!

*Your results will not vary

A Guide for College Graduates: Part I

This was originally written a year after I graduated college, and I had been working for a bank. Part II, four years in the making, is coming soon!

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Like most doe-eyed college graduates, I entered the workforce thinking I was immediately headed for great things, and that I was going to make a name for myself as a young go-getter. And then I got out in the field and remembered why the corporate world is known for having all of the charm and sensitivity of baby seal poachers.

I majored in marketing because I found business interesting, and I loved the strategy of it all. I also thought it could be a lucrative career. It’s too early to rule out the lucrative career part, but I do know that my four years of honing strategic-thinking skills are now being implemented to decide which candy bar to buy from the break room vending machine each morning. But my time in the real world hasn’t all been wasted. Although I technically work for a privately held financial institution and not a corporation, the environment is much the same, so here are some valuable lessons about the corporate world that might help you adorably naive grads:

Most People Will Have No Idea What Your Job Is

You could go around my company and ask people, “What is Nathan Lee’s job here?” and the overwhelming number one response would be, “Who’s Nathan Lee?” The other responses would range from, “I’m pretty sure he does stuff with marketing, or something” to “I think he wrangles goats.” The former is more correct, in case you’re wondering. This will work to your advantage in two ways. One is that if people don’t know what your job is, they can’t accuse you of doing it badly. The second is that it makes you seem valuable. “We can’t fire Nathan,” my boss thinks. “Who will do whatever it is that he does? I certainly don’t know how to do it.” Come to think of it, I don’t really know what anyone else in my office does either. Stuff with mortgages, or something.

Always Bring a Notebook to Meetings

This nugget of knowledge was taught to me by my boss when I started out as an intern. People at meetings will usually say things that you won’t understand, or care to understand, or care to try to understand, but as long as you have a notebook in front of you and a pen in your hand you’ll look like you’re earnestly paying attention and scratching down solutions to whatever might be happening. You’ll actually just be drawing funny stick figures.

Office Life is Not Funny, Despite What Your Television Says

Now I’m not saying an occasional good time is not had at the office, I’m just saying it’s not like television would have you believe. Chances are your quirky office mates won’t be off-beat but loveable. They’ll be annoying, and instead of seeing them for 30 minutes each Tuesday night you’ll see them Monday through Friday, 8-5. The only truly funny thing that has happened so far at my office I had to pretend wasn’t funny. Part of my job is shipping company store items out to the branches. I got an email one day from one of our branches complaining that his box of items contained a bright pink bra. I thought he was kidding, but he provided a photo. Sure enough, there was a large, bright pink bra among the items he ordered and I shipped. I would have laughed if he hadn’t been seriously angry. He knew I was the one that packs the items, so naturally he thought this was my doing. I assured him that it wasn’t, and then went about the task of notifying all my superiors that I was not responsible for this heinous, inappropriate act. But come on. Bright pink bra! Nestled amongst some logoed beer koozies! It is funny!

You Will Be More Technologically Advanced than Your Superiors

Your superiors will have no doubt poured years and years of hard work and family neglect into obtaining their high paying position, but the fact of the matter is that they will still be roughly your parent’s age and have no idea how to set the time on their DVD player. They’ll be able to analyze the crap out of the PNL’s from last year’s income statement, or formulate strategies to maximize cross-departmental synergies, but if they have to download a song from iTunes they will jump out the nearest window in frustration. You can use this to your advantage. Just the other day I had to upload a superior’s photo to his Facebook. The man could buy and sell me like a penny stock, but Facebook was too much for him. But hey, whatever maximizes my utility.

All of Your Ideas Will be Illegal

This might be true only for those who will work in highly regulated industries like banks, but you pretty much won’t get away with having a good idea. Another part of my job at First National Bank of Firstness (the name has been changed to protect the innocent from getting fired) is writing advertising copy. I’ll throw out a great ad headline only to have a team of lawyers rappel from the ceiling and slap me with their briefcases, citing legal precedence for doing so. My idea will start out as something like:

“FNBF – Your Mortgage Experts. Call Us for 100% Financing Options!”

But then our legal department will inform me that I can’t claim to be an expert at anything, because we don’t have expert certification from the Board of Expertise, and that we can’t proclaim 100% financing without a disclosure that includes an interest rate, annual percentage rate, repayment terms, loan amount, and a signature from a notary public somewhere in Rhode Island. Also, I can’t use my proposed picture of a family playing in the front yard because it does not include at least 3/5 of the races represented in the United Nations. If I fail to comply with these suggestions, then the Office of Thrift Supervision will have our fingernails ripped out. Usually by the end of my conversations with Legal, my ads end up looking like this:

So there you go, graduates. If you have any more questions about life after graduation or the intricacies of the corporate world, leave me a comment, and we’ll set up a meeting. I’ll bring my notebook.