Brilliant ideas are a dime a dozen. Harnessing electricity, connecting
computers through a World Wide Web, Sharknado, etc, are instantly recognizable
as fantastic advancements in society. That's easy. Concurrently, any ol’ goober can have a
bad idea. Heck, I can knock ten or twelve of those out while I’m brushing my
teeth in the morning.
"I should start a
Creed cover band!"
No, I’m shooting for the truly mediocre idea. The kind of idea that
threads the needle between those two extremes so deftly that you’ll think it’s
fantastic upon first hearing it, but upon further analysis the idea crumbles
like a coffee cake and you’re left with the hollow memories of that time five
minutes ago when you were basking in its majesty. It’s a subversive kind of
brilliance, which you may easily mistake for no kind of brilliance at all, and
you’d be perfectly correct for mistaking that. Unfortunately I lack the
know-how, competence, and drive to make these ideas come to fruition and be
properly monetized, so my hope is that by sending these ideas out into the
world, others will take up the execution and send me money.
No refunds, goobers!
A Polite Car Horn
As it stands now, the car horn language consists of a single
word – a monosyllabic, piercing bellow that can only be used as an interjection.
We are accustomed in English to using words that can possess several alternate
meanings, but the car horn only means one thing: “YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DRIVER AND
I HOPE MEAL WORMS INFEST YOUR EYELIDS!” Even if that’s not what the driver is
trying to convey, that’s what they are saying, because the sound your car makes
to politely inform the person in front of you that the stoplight is now green
is the same sound your car makes when someone cuts you off in traffic before
you follow them home and set their house on fire. And if a person has to make a
split decision between ‘polite reminder’ and ‘slanderous insult’ they will
choose to be offended. Car horns are always
perceived as negative, even when they are used in non-threatening situations.
“I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR
PIGTAILS AND EAT THEM LIKE TWIZZLERS!
....Sorry, that’s
just how I say ‘it’s my turn for the water fountain’.”
The mediocre idea – a
second word for the car horn language. I’m imagining a high pitched
whistle, perhaps a melodic tweet. It will have to be universally agreed upon by
all motorists to have a polite and positive connotation, and will be the
equivalent of tapping someone on the shoulder and muttering something with a
British accent. “Why excuse me ol’ chap, but I do believe the stoplight has
changed hues.” I also envision a day when an entire language of intricate horn
pitches and patterns exists to properly represent the breadth of emotions one
often encounters while in traffic.
Here an old man demonstrates how to say “Yo, girl! You
smell like biscuits! I think I love you!” without having to leer outside your car window.
My studies have shown that if just the polite car horn is
implemented it will result in 3,769,172 fewer road rage induced homicides. And if all those people whose lives I just saved would like to send me a dollar, I would promise to not follow them home and bathe in the ashes of their house.
Diet Milk
I love everything about milk. The way it feels between my
toes. The way it cascades over cereal like a soothing spring waterfall on a hot
day. The way it sits in my refrigerator like a loyal pet waiting for me to
return upwards of six months later. And especially the way it tastes. If it
were up to me I would drink milk all day everyday until concerned friends held
an intervention and forced me into a clinic to be weaned off of it.
This isn’t the idea I’m getting to, but maybe it should be...
Sure, what and how much of something I put into my face is
technically up to me as a quasi-grownup (actual recent quote from a friend:
“Why does Nathan refuse to be a functioning adult?”). But that doesn’t mean I
wouldn’t be subject to the consequences, which is gaining 300 pounds and constantly
smelling like cottage cheese. Before biology’s crackdown on my metabolism, I
ate at least two bowls of cereal a day and regularly washed meals down with a
large glass of whole milk. Oh how I miss those days! If only someone could
think of a mediocre idea to rectify this First-World problem!
The mediocre idea – zero
calorie milk flavored drink. Diet sodas are big nowadays, and although tasty,
they are terrible on Frosted Flakes. Why can’t someone use that same beverage
technology to produce an artificially sweetened milk-flavored drink? It
wouldn’t have to be exactly like milk, but just milky enough to fool my taste
buds when poured over some Cap’n Crunch. I realize some low-calorie milk
substitutes exist, but they are still about 70 calories per 8 ounce serving and
generally taste like cardboard puree. A big company with the resources to
properly market and launch this product, like Coca-Cola, should jump on this
opportunity, and in return for my idea all I humbly request is one hundred
million dollars in unmarked bills, a getaway chopper, and my own island in the Pacific Ocean . Because I want to be long gone by the time
they figure out what they’ve done.
Reverse Suspenders
for Men
In my professional career as an Office Chair Occupant I have
to tuck in my shirt. And as I’ve pointed out before, it is awful. My shirt
often wrestles itself away from my pants as if it had gained sentience and
needed some air. How can I be expected to write silly blogs while I’m at work
if all I have time for is playing Whack-a-Mole with my rogue shirttail?
The mediocre idea – suspenders
that connect your shirttail to your shoes to keep your shirt taut.
[EDIT: Astute reader Bryan has informed me that these already exist and are being marketed as "shirt stays". The fact that I did not know this and they did not show up in my 20 seconds of internet searching is a testament to their mediocrity. Just, uh, keep reading this entry as if I didn't tell you this. Thanks.]
A quick Googling of “Reverse Suspenders” reveals that this idea is actually an up-and-coming trend for women to keep their mini-skirts below their butt cheeks by attaching them to leggings which are also very close to their butt cheeks.
[EDIT: Astute reader Bryan has informed me that these already exist and are being marketed as "shirt stays". The fact that I did not know this and they did not show up in my 20 seconds of internet searching is a testament to their mediocrity. Just, uh, keep reading this entry as if I didn't tell you this. Thanks.]
A quick Googling of “Reverse Suspenders” reveals that this idea is actually an up-and-coming trend for women to keep their mini-skirts below their butt cheeks by attaching them to leggings which are also very close to their butt cheeks.
All the benefits of butt-high socks, none of the benefits of
a mini-skirt
I suppose my mediocre idea is actually to re-appropriate
this technology for men and any other gender who may wish to tuck in their
shirt because gender equality. No longer would I have to be afraid to reach for
something on the top shelf without my shirt escaping! No longer would I have to
worry about my boss catching me mid-tuck and explaining why my hands are down
my pants! No longer would I be subject to the tyranny of….uh…..of….What was my
problem again?
******************************************
Y’know, on second thought these are all pretty terrible
ideas. Especially that last one. Suspenders down your pants? Yeesh. Anyways,
surely I’m not the only one with ‘mediocre’ ideas! Leave yours in the comments.
