Forget Brilliance! 3 Mediocre Ideas that Will Not Impact the World

Brilliant ideas are a dime a dozen. Harnessing electricity, connecting computers through a World Wide Web, Sharknado, etc, are instantly recognizable as fantastic advancements in society. That's easy. Concurrently, any ol’ goober can have a bad idea. Heck, I can knock ten or twelve of those out while I’m brushing my teeth in the morning.

"I should start a Creed cover band!"

No, I’m shooting for the truly mediocre idea. The kind of idea that threads the needle between those two extremes so deftly that you’ll think it’s fantastic upon first hearing it, but upon further analysis the idea crumbles like a coffee cake and you’re left with the hollow memories of that time five minutes ago when you were basking in its majesty. It’s a subversive kind of brilliance, which you may easily mistake for no kind of brilliance at all, and you’d be perfectly correct for mistaking that. Unfortunately I lack the know-how, competence, and drive to make these ideas come to fruition and be properly monetized, so my hope is that by sending these ideas out into the world, others will take up the execution and send me money.

No refunds, goobers!

A Polite Car Horn

As it stands now, the car horn language consists of a single word – a monosyllabic, piercing bellow that can only be used as an interjection. We are accustomed in English to using words that can possess several alternate meanings, but the car horn only means one thing: “YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DRIVER AND I HOPE MEAL WORMS INFEST YOUR EYELIDS!” Even if that’s not what the driver is trying to convey, that’s what they are saying, because the sound your car makes to politely inform the person in front of you that the stoplight is now green is the same sound your car makes when someone cuts you off in traffic before you follow them home and set their house on fire. And if a person has to make a split decision between ‘polite reminder’ and ‘slanderous insult’ they will choose to be offended. Car horns are always perceived as negative, even when they are used in non-threatening situations.

 

“I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR PIGTAILS AND EAT THEM LIKE TWIZZLERS!

....Sorry, that’s just how I say ‘it’s my turn for the water fountain’.”

The mediocre idea – a second word for the car horn language. I’m imagining a high pitched whistle, perhaps a melodic tweet. It will have to be universally agreed upon by all motorists to have a polite and positive connotation, and will be the equivalent of tapping someone on the shoulder and muttering something with a British accent. “Why excuse me ol’ chap, but I do believe the stoplight has changed hues.” I also envision a day when an entire language of intricate horn pitches and patterns exists to properly represent the breadth of emotions one often encounters while in traffic.

Here an old man demonstrates how to say “Yo, girl! You smell like biscuits! I think I love you!” without having to leer outside your car window.

My studies have shown that if just the polite car horn is implemented it will result in 3,769,172 fewer road rage induced homicides. And if all those people whose lives I just saved would like to send me a dollar, I would promise to not follow them home and bathe in the ashes of their house.

Diet Milk

I love everything about milk. The way it feels between my toes. The way it cascades over cereal like a soothing spring waterfall on a hot day. The way it sits in my refrigerator like a loyal pet waiting for me to return upwards of six months later. And especially the way it tastes. If it were up to me I would drink milk all day everyday until concerned friends held an intervention and forced me into a clinic to be weaned off of it.

This isn’t the idea I’m getting to, but maybe it should be...

Sure, what and how much of something I put into my face is technically up to me as a quasi-grownup (actual recent quote from a friend: “Why does Nathan refuse to be a functioning adult?”). But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be subject to the consequences, which is gaining 300 pounds and constantly smelling like cottage cheese. Before biology’s crackdown on my metabolism, I ate at least two bowls of cereal a day and regularly washed meals down with a large glass of whole milk. Oh how I miss those days! If only someone could think of a mediocre idea to rectify this First-World problem!

The mediocre idea – zero calorie milk flavored drink. Diet sodas are big nowadays, and although tasty, they are terrible on Frosted Flakes. Why can’t someone use that same beverage technology to produce an artificially sweetened milk-flavored drink? It wouldn’t have to be exactly like milk, but just milky enough to fool my taste buds when poured over some Cap’n Crunch. I realize some low-calorie milk substitutes exist, but they are still about 70 calories per 8 ounce serving and generally taste like cardboard puree. A big company with the resources to properly market and launch this product, like Coca-Cola, should jump on this opportunity, and in return for my idea all I humbly request is one hundred million dollars in unmarked bills, a getaway chopper, and my own island in the Pacific Ocean. Because I want to be long gone by the time they figure out what they’ve done.

Reverse Suspenders for Men

In my professional career as an Office Chair Occupant I have to tuck in my shirt. And as I’ve pointed out before, it is awful. My shirt often wrestles itself away from my pants as if it had gained sentience and needed some air. How can I be expected to write silly blogs while I’m at work if all I have time for is playing Whack-a-Mole with my rogue shirttail?

The mediocre idea – suspenders that connect your shirttail to your shoes to keep your shirt taut.

[EDIT: Astute reader Bryan has informed me that these already exist and are being marketed as "shirt stays". The fact that I did not know this and they did not show up in my 20 seconds of internet searching is a testament to their mediocrity. Just, uh, keep reading this entry as if I didn't tell you this. Thanks.]

A quick Googling of “Reverse Suspenders” reveals that this idea is actually an up-and-coming trend for women to keep their mini-skirts below their butt cheeks by attaching them to leggings which are also very close to their butt cheeks.

All the benefits of butt-high socks, none of the benefits of a mini-skirt

I suppose my mediocre idea is actually to re-appropriate this technology for men and any other gender who may wish to tuck in their shirt because gender equality. No longer would I have to be afraid to reach for something on the top shelf without my shirt escaping! No longer would I have to worry about my boss catching me mid-tuck and explaining why my hands are down my pants! No longer would I be subject to the tyranny of….uh…..of….What was my problem again?

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Y’know, on second thought these are all pretty terrible ideas. Especially that last one. Suspenders down your pants? Yeesh. Anyways, surely I’m not the only one with ‘mediocre’ ideas! Leave yours in the comments.