How to Raise a Baby (and Possibly a Despot)

If there is one thing women ask me, it’s “Nathan, how do I raise my baby?” To which I reply “Oh, crap! It’s not mine is it!?” To which they reply, “If you had even the most basic understanding of human reproduction and recalled the limitations of our friendship, you would know that isn’t a possibility.”

First of all, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We tooootally high fived.
And second, did that mean nothing to you!?

So I haven’t actually raised any babies myself, but I feel pretty confident in playing armchair quarterback on this one. I mean, I was a baby once, and according to those Polaroids I was adorable and blurry. Also, I’ve Photoshopped a diploma that says I hold a doctorate in Early Childhood Development and Fascist Studies. (It was a dual degree. The fake college I went to was very avant garde.)

Now that my credentials are out of the way, enjoy these excerpts from my latest book, How to Raise a Baby (and Possibly a Despot). Because you can never be sure your spawn isn’t destined to lead a brutal regime.

From Chapter 1 – The First Day

Congratulations, Parent! You have just expelled a baby from your womb! You are now ready to bring that purple little alien back to your house and raise it into a less purple, possibly ruthless human adult. This is day one of an eighteen year endeavor, or even longer if your love for and/or fear of this kid transcends legal obligations. What you do today will set the tone for the rest of your parenthood, so it is important to take the correct first steps. You’ve got to let your baby know up front that you are in charge, otherwise the child may eventually throw a tantrum on you during an inopportune time, like a church service or political cleansing.

Your baby will also be looking for the upper hand, and it will do anything to get it. And I mean anything. Your baby will urinate just…just everywhere. This has something to do with its underdeveloped bladder control muscles, but more to do with a power struggle. Babies, much like dogs, assert their dominance by marking their territory. I suggest that the first thing you do upon bringing your baby home is to mark each corner of their room before they have the opportunity to do the same. I hope it’s not too early in this book to mention that I’m now taking pre-orders for the follow-up guide, Let Your Scent Do the Parenting. Early reviews are already calling it “completely devoid of science”.

From Chapter 7 – Teething

Babies are notorious whiners, and don't even get them started on teething. Traditional science says that babies cry while teething due to the pain of their teeth breaking through their gums. However, my research has found that babies cry while teething purely for vain and selfish reasons. All they've known up until this point in their lives is adorable gumminess, and they see this as the source of their power to make people feed them, bathe them, and cater to their every whim. Now they're being forced to transition to a life of garish horse teeth, which they view as weakness. In order to soothe a fussy baby, I suggest fashioning tiny little baby dentures so they can see that one day a mouth full of teeth will command something more powerful than adorableness – fear.

Wait, no. Respect. One of those two, but definitely not both.

Anyway, in the short run it will greatly aid their efforts to masticate everything they can reasonably fit into their face.

“I believe it’s time for my breastfeeding.”

From Chapter 11 – Socializing your baby with others

Humans, when left alone to freely socialize, inherently fall into a structured hierarchy. The lower levels consist of the feeble-minded, the weak-hearted, and YouTube commenters. The top level consists of brilliant thinkers, decision makers, and tyrannical rulers. It’s important to teach your baby how to properly integrate into playground politics as to become one of the latter.

Again, because your baby is a baby (probably), it lacks the motor skills necessary to vocalize its need for peer companionship/servants, which makes the complex social landscape of the playground even more challenging. However, I believe babies understand more than they are able to acknowledge. In order for your baby to find friends/devotees, you will have to be its mouthpiece.

Hold your baby in front of your face, approach the nearest baby stranger, and start talking in such a way that clearly identifies your baby’s intention to form a friendship/start a revolution.

HELLO, I THINK YOU ARE NICE! DO YOU LIKE PLAYING ON THE SWINGS?
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON NEO-MARXIST POLICIES AS A MEANS TO SUBJUGATE THE PROLETARIAT?

From Chapter 79 – Revolution

If you are as slow of a reader as I am, you should be at this chapter somewhere around your baby’s 18^th birthday. And if it turns out your baby was destined to become a despot, you should be moments away from witnessing your baby’s first political upheaval. Despite your own personal political affiliation, it’s important to be there for your child during this process, if only because dissension is generally a capital offense. You may want to remind your tyrant-in-waiting that coups are hard, and they may not succeed during their first try. If they do indeed fail, probably because the current dictator’s mom also bought this book and applied its principles better than you did, give them a hug and offer to kiss any boo-boos that may have resulted in battle. Just don’t do this in front of their aides. Despots hate that.

But if they do succeed in overthrowing a government and placing themselves on the throne, then congratulations! You have successfully raised a baby (and definitely a despot). You can thank me by suggesting I be appointed to a governmental post with a humble title (Minister of Awesomeness maybe?) and a modest harem.

High five!