The British are Coming!

I'm fascinated by pop culture. Not to say I'm a fan of all of it, because heaven knows I'd like to troutslap a Kardashian or three, but I'm interested in how the public consumes media and what kind they choose. I keep track of television ratings, I read the weekly domestic box office totals, I scour the Billboard charts, and I generally annoy people at parties.

 "Yes, I'd love to hear more about the total gross of The Matrix Trilogy."

I also like trying to put trends into frames of reference or historical perspective. I chalk this hobby up to being a marketing major, only interested in the consumerism of it all, but it's probably closer to the side of me that plays Magic: The Gathering and Super Nintendo. Regardless, I've learned that many pop culture trends are cyclical. Because of this I've been preparing for a certain pop culture storm since high school. And just like the crazy man on the side of the highway with a cardboard sign warning of armageddon, I'm here standing on the edge of the Information Super-Highway (can't wait until that phrase comes back in fashion) and holding this crudely drawn blog up as you pass by to compulsively update your Facebook. So, go ahead and disconnect your cable, finally cancel that subscription to Tiger Beat, and pre-emptively ground your teenage daughters.

Because boy bands are making a comeback.

 Just let this image burn into your retinas

The previous dispensation of boy bands ended about 2002 when the two largest factions, N*Sync fans and Backstreet Boys fans, reached the age of musical accountability. They buried their metaphorical hatchets and their literal flamethrowers, and they signed a treaty with a clause that states neither party can ever purchase another boy band album and must lie whenever asked what their first concert was. The boy bands stuffed their hair gel into a duffel bag and went into hiding, and they have patiently been waiting to return. It's been ten whole years since then. The musical landscape has changed, and the new boy bands have learned to adapt. Gone are the days of light rock, tight choreography, and orchestral arrangements. Now heavy dance and electronic influences  have taken over, and they don't use any impressive or creative vocal arrangements. In fact, I heard one song on the radio about 15 times but had no idea there were multiple people singing until I saw the video. Also, they don't dance, they just kind of shift around like those desert lizards who try to keep their feet cool. Yes, boy bands are back and will soon be assaulting your aural cavities, but this time around they are less talented. It's like hearing the Mongols are back, but this time they've got shotguns.

There are two groups that are currently huge in Europe that are on the cusp of breaking into America - The Wanted and One Direction. If you don't believe me, here's a clip of One Direction performing on The Today Show last week. Keep in mind their album isn't even available in this country yet, and there's already an army of hormone-addled tweens in the audience.

So what can you do to stop the full invasion from happening? I suggest writing an angry letter to your senator, crumpling that letter up, and then crying yourself to sleep because there isn't a goshdarn thing you can do about it. All you can do is prepare yourself for their arrival. Like the public service announcements in the 90's use to say, knowledge is power, so I'll give you the information on One Direction you'll need to exploit their weaknesses should the occasion arise. My reference material will be European teeny bopper magazines and my own outright lies, because I don't feel like reading enough to write an accurate report.

Name: Ducklips McFarrahfawcethair

Archetype: The Fearless Leader

Ducklips is the founder and leader of One Direction, named after the peristaltic flow of your aggravated bowels upon listening to their music. Ducklips' favorite pastime is striking Mick Jagger poses during press interviews and funerals, and his favorite thing to do on a date is "just holding hands while sitting on a pile of money I'll be legally entitled to once I turn 18." Ducklips hopes to be like Justin Timberlake one day - successful and without any memories of his former bandmates.

Name: Dusty Thumbsucker

Archetype: The Baby-Faced One

Dusty sings soprano in the group and is trying to make the tough decision of whether to be kicked out when puberty sets in or to become a eunuch. Young and unassuming, Dusty is secretly plotting for Ducklips' demise and strategizing for the ensuing power struggle. He likes girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch, but Chinese food makes him sick. He also thinks it's fly when girls stop by for the summer. For the summer.

Name: Justin Bieber

Archetype: The Sensitive One

Justin was born with the name Hershel Schlozenberg, but chose his new name once he made it into the group. He says it was chosen randomly, and any coincidences are purely "that other Justin Bieber's fault". He likes a good sunset, crying during movies, and lulling girls into false senses of security.

Name: Brock Hardy

Archetype: The Bad Boy

Brock's eyes speak volumes, nay, libraries about his hard life as explained to him by his manager. In preparing for his role as bad boy, Brock watched Corey Haim movies and was injected with Botox to prevent smiles from happening. His hobbies include partying, carousing, and other vaguely dangerous but socially acceptable gerunds.

Name: Jacques Frenchman

Archetype: The Jokester

Jacques is the hilarious one, as evidenced by the fact that he is wearing an early 20th century French bathing suit. Haha, isn't he wacky? His favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla, he likes his coffee room temperature, and his favorite band is Coldplay.

So, you've been warned and armed with irrelevant and fictitious information. The boy band storm is approaching, and what you do to protect yourself is up to you. Personally I'll be keeping several trout handy. Just in case.