Romance is Dead

The following are carefully selected excerpts from my latest entry into the teen romance genre, Romance is Dead, to be found at the discount bin or garage sale nearest you.

With a foreword by Stephanie Meyer's cease and desist letter.

From Chapter One: A Rose is Still a Rose Unless It's Dead

Jane sat in her desk in third period English, but couldn't concentrate on the teacher going on and on about Romeo and Juliet. All her attention, every ounce of focus her ADD-riddled mind could muster, was channeled onto the boy sitting next to her. His scraggly hair; his soft, dark skin; his piercing eyes that stared with an intensity Jane had never seen before. They never dared to blink. Never dared to waste a fraction of a second not taking in the world around him. “There's something different about him,” Jane thought. “Something my need for affection and juvenile, misguided love can't quite put a finger on.”

“Clearly, he is a zombie,” Mr. Teach said. “The 'something different' is that he has been dead for months and is rotting. You should probably stay away from him.”

Jane broke her longing gaze and looked up at her teacher. “You...you can read my thoughts!?”

“No,” Mr. Teach replied. “You've been talking out loud for the past minute. And, frankly, I don't see how you haven't noticed that he is a zombie. Just look at him!”

Jane returned her gaze to the boy sitting next to her. It all made sense. She could see now that his scraggly hair was because most of his scalp was missing. His soft, dark skin actually looked like it was composed of month-old bananas, and his intense eyes were just the product of having no eyelids. Also, it explained why he had been drooling and making rude gurgling noises.

“What do you know!?” Jane burst. “You just don't understand him like I do! So, what if he is a zombie?” She lowered her voice and squinted her eyes for effect. “Why don't you just go on teaching about Romeo and Juliet, or whatever, and stay out of my personal life!”

“Perhaps that is a good idea,” Mr. Teach sighed. “Maybe you could learn something from this cautionary tale.”

“What could I possibly have to learn from some stupid Shakespeare story?” Jane questioned.

Mr. Teach looked perplexed. “You mean you don't see the parallels here? Dramatic and ridiculous young girl. Forbidden love. Ends in death....” He trailed off as he saw Jane was too busy doodling hearts with “Jane + Zombie 4 Eva” written inside to pay attention.

“Well,” Mr. Teach said as he walked to the chalkboard. “Now we are going to study foreshadowing. Say it with me, class. Foooreshaaadooowing.”

From Chapter Three: Denial

“Eeew, gross. If it isn't Zombie and his stupid girlfriend, Jane.” Sherry, the snarky head cheerleader, leaned against Jane's locker. “Don't you know that the only reason Zombie is dating you is because he wants to eat you?” Jane grabbed Zombie's hand tighter and spoke up.

“That's not true, Sherry! Zombie loves me for me. Honey, tell Sherry why you love me.” Jane turned her doe eyes at her love. His jaw was mostly detached, and his lips had eroded, but he tried to gargle a response. “Come on, spit it out, Baby,” Jane encouraged as she dusted off a couple of maggots from his shoulder.

“B..bb...brains.” He spoke quietly, but the stench of his breath was like a barrel of dead skunks.

“See!” Jane exclaimed. “He loves me for my intellect. Zombie doesn't care if I'm the head cheerleader or not. He wants a woman who can have a deep conversation.”

Sherry twirled her hair through her fingers and smacked her gum loudly. “No, you idiot. He wants to eat your brains. He wants to crack your head open with a spoon and gobble it like bread pudding.”

Jane was noticeably shaken. “Tell me it's not true, Baby!”

Zombie replied with the only word he knew. “BRRRRAAAAAIIINSSSS!!!!!”

From Chapter Nineteen: Acceptance (Kind of)

“I see things clearly now, Zombie.” Jane was running her hands through Zombie's remaining hair as he jerked and chomped at her fingers. “Haha, stop playing, Silly! Your love for me is only rivaled by your insatiable desire to eat my flesh. But that's what makes our love so intense! Every time you don't bash my head on a rock and slurp up my brains like soup, I know that's your way of expressing your love for me.”

Zombie looked at her with his cold, dead eyes and stretched his arms straight out from his body. He moaned and sputtered as he wrapped his putrid hands around her throat.

“Oh, Zombie,” Jane cooed as she playfully slapped his hands away. “You don't have to measure me for a necklace. All I want is you. Let's go spend time alone deep in the woods.”

From Chapter Twenty-Seven: Not in Kansas Anymore

“Welcome back from Christmas break, class,” Mr. Teach said cheerfully. “This semester we are going to study convenient endings in literature, but first, a pop quiz on your vacation reading assignment. In The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, what is the Scarecrow missing?”

The class was silent. Students looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

“No one?” Mr. Teach paced the floor as he spoke. “No one knows what the Scarecrow was traveling to the Wizard to receive?”

Then, from somewhere in the back row, a familiar, raspy voice echoed through the class room. “BRRRAAAAIIINSSSS!!!!”

Mr. Teach was amazed. “Yes, Zombie, you finally got one right!”

“But Mr. Teach!” Sherry interrupted. “That wasn't Zombie!” She pointed to the girl sitting next to Zombie in the back row.

Every student in the class turned around and stared in horror at Jane, her skin now a dark, sickly green and her eyes lifeless and unflinching. She gurgled something unintelligible as she reached across the aisle and grabbed Zombie's hand. They were two star-crossed lovers who defied the odds...and the grave.

THE END

From the back cover

“I haven't read something so riveting since the back of my Froot Loops box this morning at breakfast.” Amy Harper, The New York Times

“This is the worst zombie book I've ever read. It is also the worst romance book I've ever read. However, it is only the second worst pop-up book I've ever read.” Jonathan Gillman, Newsweek

“I've scheduled an operation to graft several hands onto my body, so that when the film version comes out I can officially give it nine thumbs down.” -Roger Ebert

Don't miss the next volume – Romance is Dead: 2 Deaths Don't Make a Life