Lee/Randy 2012

I have sat back and watched this three ring circus called “The Republican Primaries” long enough. I can no longer watch these clowns parading all over our respected cable news outlets and slinging mud at each other without putting my remote control down, standing up, and shouting, “I want in on that!” It is to this end that I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America and its Several Commonwealths Including Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, and Parts of Canada.

Although I am missing several requirements to run for political office in today’s landscape – perfectly coiffed hair, a harem of mistresses, the basic qualifications as outlined by our federal constitution – I see this as a strength. I’m the anti-candidate. A vote for me is a vote for change! Seriously, I’m charging a quarter for every vote cast in my favor. I figure it’s a pretty good way to raise campaign funds.

Now, admittedly, I don’t know much about my opponents’ politics. Heck, I don’t know much about my own politics, except that people who I’ve explained them to have used the words “brutal”, “oppression”, and “puppy-kicker”. I vehemently deny that last one, and I’m prepared to sue for slander anyone who uses it in an ad against me. I have also told my Chief Propaganda Adviser and future running mate, Randy, to make some rebuttal Photoshops just in case.

 Who’s the puppy-kicker now, Newt?

To all those clamoring that I don’t have any political history, I have this to say, “There are too many of you to make incriminating Photoshops for. But just know that it was considered.” Also, I’d like to point out that I, in fact, do have a history in politics. In fifth grade I portrayed Bob Dole in a mock-election at R.A. Mitchell Elementary School and won by a landslide. You might recall that Bob Dole actually lost the 1996 national election to Bill Clinton, so by extrapolation I just proved that I am more politically savy than the real Bob Dole and the real Bill Clinton combined. And if you don’t agree with that logic, talk to Randy.

 Get’em, Randy!

I think people are tired of all these one percenters running our country. They are too successful to know how the 99 percent live. Mitt Romney recently released his tax records, and it’s been exposed that he made over 40 million dollars the past two years! And he gave over 7 million of it to his church and various charities! How can he be trusted to run the country with all that philanthropy he does? Passing out money all over the place like people need it or something. Just philanthropizing all over the streets and in the synagogues. I mean, this isn’t communist France here, people! You can trust me, my fawning supporters, because I have comparatively nothing and I hoard that nothing like it’s the last nothing on Earth. Before any speculation starts swirling, I have released my tax records. It shows that as a public relations professional in the non-profit sector, I grossed 539 Mexican pesos, 27 peanut butter sandwiches, and 3 buy-one-get-one free coupons from Payless Shoe Source. I gave only one of those sandwiches away to various charities, because it was smooth, and I prefer chunky.

But enough about my social standing and silliness. It’s time to get down to the sixth most important factor in becoming president - the issues. My opponents would have you believe that what they think about certain issues is correct. Well, I am almost certain that the way I feel about those issues and things is in direct opposition to the way they feel about those issues. And things. In fact, that’s my campaign slogan. “I disagree”. This saves valuable time in having to worry about which direction to side on, because I’m letting congress and the American people decide for me. They’ll come up with a decision, I’ll disagree, and then I’ll do the opposite. Oh, what’s that, Congress? You’re drafting measures to go to war with Iran? Too bad! We’re invading Hawaii!

So there you have it, The American People. There are all the reasons to vote for me for president, despite my inability to form a cohesive argument, desire to humiliate my opponents through phony pictures, tenuous grasp of politics and geography, and the assurance that I’ll descend us into a nightmarish police state filled with social disorder and slavery.

I’m Nathan Lee, and I approve this message.

An Idiot's Guide to Craigslist for Dummies and Idiots

I am an idiot, and the following excerpts from this guide are meant for like-minded people who have heard about this Craiglist thing and want to take it for a spin. Under no circumstances do I encourage you to actually use Craigslist for anything other than entertainment purposes, because I do not want any blood on my hands (figuratively and literally). At the end of this article you will have the option to purchase the full edition of An Idiot’s Guide to Craigslist for Dummies and Idiots from a housewife in Alabaster who will meet you at the Texaco on Highway 31 at midnight.

If you read this whole article and still go through with the transaction, I have failed you as an author.

from Chapter 1 - What is Craigslist?

For starters, think of Craigslist as the bulletin board inside your college’s student union, only on the internet and teeming with more communicable diseases. You can search for jobs, try to reconnect with lost loves, or buy used goods straight from the owner. However, and this is very important to remember, studies have shown that 93% of all posts are of a deceitful nature, and of those posts 76% were made by this man:

 This is Randy. Randy wants to sell you a toaster that “totally hasn’t been peed in”.

I will teach you how to navigate the dark recesses of Craigslist without falling prey to Randy and his dubious posts.

from Chapter 7 – Jobs

I am an expert at very few things. The Ace Ventura movies, laughing during inappropriate moments, and the hoverbike level from Battletoads all come to mind. But I’ve spent enough time looking for jobs on Craigslist that I feel safe including it as an area of expertise. Randy and his goons have meticulously designed each job post to hide what you’ll actually be doing day-to-day, and that is sales. Sometimes it’s door-to-door, sometimes it’s in a call center, but it’s almost always sales. See an ad for a receptionist at an animal clinic? Sales. Brand ambassador with an entrepreneurial spirit? Sales. Nude model for an undisclosed art project? Sales, in the fact that your organs will eventually be auctioned off by Randy in a Thai back alley. Here’s a screen cap of an actual job:

Now here’s a few key sentences with translations:

We are an innovative company that is transforming the marketing and advertising industry.

We looked ‘innovative’ up in the dictionary and are using it against Webster’s consent.  

We were founded by dedicated people looking to push the envelope by using cost-effective marketing campaigns and advertising strategies.

We were founded by recent college grads who like the phrase “push the envelope” but don’t have any money to put into advertising.

We are interested in finding quality candidates to conduct all facets of what we do to gain new customers.

We are looking for monkeys to sell things for us.

This involves all aspects of promotional sales, marketing, and customer service work.

This involves all aspects of promotional sales, direct sales, door-to-door sales, and illegal sales.

Candidates must be open minded, possess great people skills, excited about leadership, and not be afraid of hard work!

Candidates must do as we say, pretend to get along with us, genuflect as we walk past your cubicle, and not mind mandatory triple overtime.

We also work with some of the top fortune 500 companies in the country!!

We sell DirecTV subscriptions. Did we not mention that yet?

Now, there’s nothing wrong with selling DirecTV subscriptions. Just as long as you know what you're getting into, and you're not under the impression that you'll be a high-powered Wall Street tycoon.

from Chapter 16 – Personals

Now, I don’t have any experience using the Personals section of Craigslist, but rest assure that if I did, I wouldn’t be talking about it. I’ll be writing this section of the guide based off of information I’ve gleaned from news outlets.

Let’s start with a typical ad.

Perky and Fun 4U

“Life as a runway model gets so lonely. I’m always flying to Milan and Paris, but when I’m back home all I want to do is snuggle with a pasty, greasy video game enthusiast. My hobbies include cooking, cleaning, and practicing nudism. I probably won’t find anyone on here, but if you’re interested message me. Teehee!”

This is an example of a rare genuine post. She sounds like a keeper, so I suggest sending her a message as soon as you can and mention how pasty and greasy you are, and that you also practice nudism every other week in the shower. Hurry up, before someone else finds her!

As you wait for her response, watch this video she posted to get to know her a little better.

You should have known better! This was a test, and you failed. It's Randy. 

Every. Single. Time. 

If this hadn't been a test you would be trapped in a pit in Randy's basement putting lotion on your skin. Consider this your final warning.

from Chapter 23 - Conclusion

So now you have the knowledge to avoid getting scammed by Randy on Craigslist. Or you have the knowledge to rival Randy in a Craigslist power struggle. I just give you the tools, I don't ask what you do with them. But for the most part, you know the precautions you need to take in order to be safe. If you or someone you know stumbles across Craigslist, be sure to notify an adult immediately. If you are an adult, look into a mirror and yell "STRANGER DANGER!" until someone slaps you back into reality. If you suspect a significant other of using Craigslist personals, the correct course of action is to bathe them in bleach, unless you want to play a game of hepatitis bingo, in which case carry on. And if you suspect that a household item has been purchased from Craigslist, please, do not use it.

Randy totally peed in it.