An Idiot's Guide to Craigslist for Dummies and Idiots

I am an idiot, and the following excerpts from this guide are meant for like-minded people who have heard about this Craiglist thing and want to take it for a spin. Under no circumstances do I encourage you to actually use Craigslist for anything other than entertainment purposes, because I do not want any blood on my hands (figuratively and literally). At the end of this article you will have the option to purchase the full edition of An Idiot’s Guide to Craigslist for Dummies and Idiots from a housewife in Alabaster who will meet you at the Texaco on Highway 31 at midnight.

If you read this whole article and still go through with the transaction, I have failed you as an author.

from Chapter 1 - What is Craigslist?

For starters, think of Craigslist as the bulletin board inside your college’s student union, only on the internet and teeming with more communicable diseases. You can search for jobs, try to reconnect with lost loves, or buy used goods straight from the owner. However, and this is very important to remember, studies have shown that 93% of all posts are of a deceitful nature, and of those posts 76% were made by this man:

 This is Randy. Randy wants to sell you a toaster that “totally hasn’t been peed in”.

I will teach you how to navigate the dark recesses of Craigslist without falling prey to Randy and his dubious posts.

from Chapter 7 – Jobs

I am an expert at very few things. The Ace Ventura movies, laughing during inappropriate moments, and the hoverbike level from Battletoads all come to mind. But I’ve spent enough time looking for jobs on Craigslist that I feel safe including it as an area of expertise. Randy and his goons have meticulously designed each job post to hide what you’ll actually be doing day-to-day, and that is sales. Sometimes it’s door-to-door, sometimes it’s in a call center, but it’s almost always sales. See an ad for a receptionist at an animal clinic? Sales. Brand ambassador with an entrepreneurial spirit? Sales. Nude model for an undisclosed art project? Sales, in the fact that your organs will eventually be auctioned off by Randy in a Thai back alley. Here’s a screen cap of an actual job:

Now here’s a few key sentences with translations:

We are an innovative company that is transforming the marketing and advertising industry.

We looked ‘innovative’ up in the dictionary and are using it against Webster’s consent.  

We were founded by dedicated people looking to push the envelope by using cost-effective marketing campaigns and advertising strategies.

We were founded by recent college grads who like the phrase “push the envelope” but don’t have any money to put into advertising.

We are interested in finding quality candidates to conduct all facets of what we do to gain new customers.

We are looking for monkeys to sell things for us.

This involves all aspects of promotional sales, marketing, and customer service work.

This involves all aspects of promotional sales, direct sales, door-to-door sales, and illegal sales.

Candidates must be open minded, possess great people skills, excited about leadership, and not be afraid of hard work!

Candidates must do as we say, pretend to get along with us, genuflect as we walk past your cubicle, and not mind mandatory triple overtime.

We also work with some of the top fortune 500 companies in the country!!

We sell DirecTV subscriptions. Did we not mention that yet?

Now, there’s nothing wrong with selling DirecTV subscriptions. Just as long as you know what you're getting into, and you're not under the impression that you'll be a high-powered Wall Street tycoon.

from Chapter 16 – Personals

Now, I don’t have any experience using the Personals section of Craigslist, but rest assure that if I did, I wouldn’t be talking about it. I’ll be writing this section of the guide based off of information I’ve gleaned from news outlets.

Let’s start with a typical ad.

Perky and Fun 4U

“Life as a runway model gets so lonely. I’m always flying to Milan and Paris, but when I’m back home all I want to do is snuggle with a pasty, greasy video game enthusiast. My hobbies include cooking, cleaning, and practicing nudism. I probably won’t find anyone on here, but if you’re interested message me. Teehee!”

This is an example of a rare genuine post. She sounds like a keeper, so I suggest sending her a message as soon as you can and mention how pasty and greasy you are, and that you also practice nudism every other week in the shower. Hurry up, before someone else finds her!

As you wait for her response, watch this video she posted to get to know her a little better.

You should have known better! This was a test, and you failed. It's Randy. 

Every. Single. Time. 

If this hadn't been a test you would be trapped in a pit in Randy's basement putting lotion on your skin. Consider this your final warning.

from Chapter 23 - Conclusion

So now you have the knowledge to avoid getting scammed by Randy on Craigslist. Or you have the knowledge to rival Randy in a Craigslist power struggle. I just give you the tools, I don't ask what you do with them. But for the most part, you know the precautions you need to take in order to be safe. If you or someone you know stumbles across Craigslist, be sure to notify an adult immediately. If you are an adult, look into a mirror and yell "STRANGER DANGER!" until someone slaps you back into reality. If you suspect a significant other of using Craigslist personals, the correct course of action is to bathe them in bleach, unless you want to play a game of hepatitis bingo, in which case carry on. And if you suspect that a household item has been purchased from Craigslist, please, do not use it.

Randy totally peed in it.