Lee/Randy 2012

I have sat back and watched this three ring circus called “The Republican Primaries” long enough. I can no longer watch these clowns parading all over our respected cable news outlets and slinging mud at each other without putting my remote control down, standing up, and shouting, “I want in on that!” It is to this end that I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America and its Several Commonwealths Including Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, and Parts of Canada.

Although I am missing several requirements to run for political office in today’s landscape – perfectly coiffed hair, a harem of mistresses, the basic qualifications as outlined by our federal constitution – I see this as a strength. I’m the anti-candidate. A vote for me is a vote for change! Seriously, I’m charging a quarter for every vote cast in my favor. I figure it’s a pretty good way to raise campaign funds.

Now, admittedly, I don’t know much about my opponents’ politics. Heck, I don’t know much about my own politics, except that people who I’ve explained them to have used the words “brutal”, “oppression”, and “puppy-kicker”. I vehemently deny that last one, and I’m prepared to sue for slander anyone who uses it in an ad against me. I have also told my Chief Propaganda Adviser and future running mate, Randy, to make some rebuttal Photoshops just in case.

 Who’s the puppy-kicker now, Newt?

To all those clamoring that I don’t have any political history, I have this to say, “There are too many of you to make incriminating Photoshops for. But just know that it was considered.” Also, I’d like to point out that I, in fact, do have a history in politics. In fifth grade I portrayed Bob Dole in a mock-election at R.A. Mitchell Elementary School and won by a landslide. You might recall that Bob Dole actually lost the 1996 national election to Bill Clinton, so by extrapolation I just proved that I am more politically savy than the real Bob Dole and the real Bill Clinton combined. And if you don’t agree with that logic, talk to Randy.

 Get’em, Randy!

I think people are tired of all these one percenters running our country. They are too successful to know how the 99 percent live. Mitt Romney recently released his tax records, and it’s been exposed that he made over 40 million dollars the past two years! And he gave over 7 million of it to his church and various charities! How can he be trusted to run the country with all that philanthropy he does? Passing out money all over the place like people need it or something. Just philanthropizing all over the streets and in the synagogues. I mean, this isn’t communist France here, people! You can trust me, my fawning supporters, because I have comparatively nothing and I hoard that nothing like it’s the last nothing on Earth. Before any speculation starts swirling, I have released my tax records. It shows that as a public relations professional in the non-profit sector, I grossed 539 Mexican pesos, 27 peanut butter sandwiches, and 3 buy-one-get-one free coupons from Payless Shoe Source. I gave only one of those sandwiches away to various charities, because it was smooth, and I prefer chunky.

But enough about my social standing and silliness. It’s time to get down to the sixth most important factor in becoming president - the issues. My opponents would have you believe that what they think about certain issues is correct. Well, I am almost certain that the way I feel about those issues and things is in direct opposition to the way they feel about those issues. And things. In fact, that’s my campaign slogan. “I disagree”. This saves valuable time in having to worry about which direction to side on, because I’m letting congress and the American people decide for me. They’ll come up with a decision, I’ll disagree, and then I’ll do the opposite. Oh, what’s that, Congress? You’re drafting measures to go to war with Iran? Too bad! We’re invading Hawaii!

So there you have it, The American People. There are all the reasons to vote for me for president, despite my inability to form a cohesive argument, desire to humiliate my opponents through phony pictures, tenuous grasp of politics and geography, and the assurance that I’ll descend us into a nightmarish police state filled with social disorder and slavery.

I’m Nathan Lee, and I approve this message.