Creep for the Stars

I'd like to preface this blog post by stating that I swear I'm not a creeper. Actually, no, that's exactly what a creeper would say. I'm going to use reverse-psychology and state that I definitely am a creeper.

*overt winky face*

*elbow nudge*

* serious face *

Now that my character and motives are no longer in question, let me start at the beginning of how my friend and I came to design Creep for the Stars - The World's First Stalker-Themed Board Game™ (patent pending, illegal in several regions including Hawaii, Alaska, and all contiguous U.S. states). Really it was the confluence of two powerful forces. Much like how the White Nile and the Blue Nile merge to become the mighty Nile - source of life for millions of plants, animals, and people - Creep for the Stars was born of an inside joke and a board game for preschoolers that would become a source of mild amusement and awkwardness for my immediate social group. I am in the midst of setting up business meetings with some respectable board game manufacturers, however, so people all over the world will soon be able to experience that very same oddly enjoyable queasiness!

The backstory: Many of my friends are from my church group - single men and women from the ages of 18 - 30. I and several of my male friends are in the upper half of this age range, especially since the actual ages skew younger and girlier. It became a running joke that we were creepy old men. A few of us ran with this joke and would find it amusing to “creep” on our friends. (We are almost certain they get the joke, and we are also almost certain we are joking.) We even adopted monikers – my friend Derek was the Argyle Creeper, named after his penchant for argyle socks, and I was Creepy Longstalkings, which in no way indicates the fashion of my footwear. Our victim of choice was Hannah, an easy-going freshman with a similarly odd sense of humor whose dorm room at BYU-Idaho I am currently sitting outside of while typing this blog. (Hannah, if you're reading this, I like your new desk lamp!)

So the creeper vibe was already going when my friend Meredith thought it would be fun to get a group and play an old board game for preschoolers called Reach for the Stars. In it you draw cards and have to do tasks like hugging people and whispering compliments into their ear. I'm sure it's adorable when four-year-olds do that, but with a bunch of twenty-somethings, it just felt...awkward. It was designed to build self-esteem, but Derek and I realized its true potential to tear that self-esteem down. All it needed was a few modifications. We told our idea to some friends, got surprisingly positive feedback, and then met at a Barnes & Noble to hash out the basic premise of our new game while dozens of confused cafe patrons presumably debated calling the police.

Some people just like to watch the world burn.

Each character in Creep for the Stars represents a stalker that has broken out of jail. The stalker's goal is to reach Creep Nirvana without getting caught and sent back to prison. Players roll a die and move around different sections of the board – a park, the mall, a university - while drawing cards. Many of the cards have creeper tasks written on them to be kept secret and then performed at a later time, preferably when the victim least expects it. The goal in performing the task is to creep your target out, and if you do you get an extra die roll and become closer to obtaining Creep Nirvana. The tasks are things that might be tried at a bus stop by that homeless man you thought was asleep. For example, one card states “Give target player a forward-facing shoulder massage.” Another says “Breathe down target player's neck”. One of my favorite cards, and one of the most successful during the course of play, is “Rub target player's earlobe.” These things may not seem all that weird while reading them, but the game can be a bit chaotic, and it's easy to forget to keep your guard up while you're playing. If you're not convinced, the next time you're standing around some friends just casually reach over and start gently caressing one of their ears and see what their reaction is. If it's a quick shudder and a verbal threat, my point has been proven. If it's purring noises and a reciprocal ear massage, you are now considered to be courting by many Amazonian tribes.

There are other types of cards to draw. Some make you move backwards (“You fell out of your peepin' tree and broke your night vision goggles. Move back three spaces”) and some give you the power to place a restraining order on another player, which impedes their progress and could ultimately land them back in the slammer. There are also cards that call for a “Creep-Off”. When this is drawn, the player picks his opponent for a duel, where instead of taking paces away from each other and then firing guns you're taking paces toward each other and then firing inappropriate pick-up lines. It usually ends up nose to nose, and I've seen contestants just about break down. Like when Derek waited patiently for Jared, an inch away, to open his mouth...so he could blow into it. As far as I know the two are still friends, but I have a feeling Jared is secretly plotting Derek's demise by some sort of demeaning, awkward blaze of ignominy.

"How does it feel, Derek? HOW DOES IT FEEL!?"

Creep for the Stars is only limited in absurdity by its players. It could easily get out of hand, because it's a silly game with ill-defined rules about stalking. But generally I've found it to run smoothly, although I've only played it within my group of friends. And clearly I have disturbed friends, because, after explaining the game thoroughly to them, they still want to play. And then after they've played the game and someone has given them a dry willie and then someone else has had a conversation with them through a dirty sock puppet, they want to play again. We've play-tested several times so far, most recently about a week ago when we had about a dozen stalkers.

My friend Lily designed the board, and I am currently suing her for libel and using my likeness without my permission.

So, America, are you ready for a board game that makes light of a terrorizing and illegal activity? Well, you better be, because when you wake up tomorrow morning you're going to find it tied to your dog.

Your move, Parker Brothers!