Tubular (Limestone Park Canoe and Tube Rentals)

I've decided that I'm going to be an Olympian.

“But Nathan,” you're probably saying to yourself under your breath, “there isn't an Olympic sport that suits your failing joints and outright contempt for practice or dedication.”

“Shut your face!” I am definitely yelling to a random, confused person who happens to be standing nearest me as you read this. “I know that, and I'm petitioning the International Olympic Committee for the inclusion of a new sport more tailored to my unique lack-of-talents and apathy!”

I, of course, am yelling about the “sport” of tubing, or sitting on an inflatable device and letting the current take you wherever the current wants. It combines two of my favorite things – being abhorrently lazy and floating while being abhorrently lazy. I'm not really sure how a winner would be chosen, since making it into a race would defeat the essence of the sport, so maybe there will be style judges like in ice skating.

"Just look at those slouched shoulders, slack jaw, and vacant stare. The judges have deliberated. Tens across the board!"

I went for a tubing test run last weekend. Meredith and I had been looking for a new place to try, and I had heard about Limestone Park Canoe and Tube Rentals near Montevallo. A quick internet search revealed that they did not have a website, which should have tipped us off. After a drive deep into the boonies of Bibb County, we found that Limestone Park is not a state or city funded leisure refuge as I had assumed, but some guy's land with several dozen freight truck tire tubes. The office looks like an outhouse, and the man in charge seemed less than thrilled to be dealing with city slickers. Limestone Park Canoe and Tube Rentals is a decidedly small and amusingly Southern operation, and it is my hope that by typing Limestone Park Canoe and Tube Rentals enough in this blog that I will be the first search engine result so that I can demand the owners give me a kickback in exchange for a favorable review. BWAHAHAHAHA! (Limestone Park Canoe and Tube Rentals)

We met up with Janna and Canella, picked our tubes, and hopped in the back of the "shuttle" to head upriver.

"Don't worry. We've wrecked the shuttle twice, but only one of those resulted in any customer deaths."

After a short ride through some pastures, we climbed out of the shuttle and down the river embankment. We cast our tubes into the cool water, but I was literally confused as to which direction was downriver. There was no current to speak of, and if we had not started paddling we would still be at the launch site having Deliverance nightmares.

Despite having to paddle, it was a fun trip. It was over 100 degrees that day, so the water was relaxing as we floated and talked. The smooth stretch of river was broken up by five sets of rapids that were actually drops just big enough to hurl you butt-first into rocks. I found that the best way to tackle these rapids was to straighten out perfectly flat, what I like to call the "Emery Board Sitting on a Donut Method". Every true Olympian has their signature technique I suppose.

The river led us past scenic Alabama backwoods, beautiful rising bluffs, and 1,000 Coors Light cans. There are signs all over the place about not bringing alcohol on the trip, but clearly many people have disregarded these signs, and in a show of defiance have discarded their empty cans onto low hanging limbs so that a couple of trees look like it naturally bears blissful alcoholic fruit that shines in the sun. The river also led us through some cow farms, the stench of which hits our nostrils like a methane orchestra. The animals all seemed indifferent to our presence, though.

"You realize you're floating in my toilet right now, don't you?"

It took almost three hours to reach our cars. It would've taken an Ivy League rowing team to complete the trip in the operator's estimated two hours, but maybe the river was just unusually slow that day. Wanting to cap off our Southern adventure with a delicious Southern meal, I suggested we have lunch at a random dive restaurant in a nearby town. We turned to Yelp, found some place called Tin Top, and decided that with a name like that it would probably not be fine dining.

We were not disappointed.

The cashier at Tin Top was kind of surly. She was also the cook, and there was a line, so I can see where her frustrations would come from. After taking an order, she would grab a hunk of meat and hack at it wildly with a cleaver, like an angry Swedish Chef or a normal Jeffrey Dahmer. The food, unfortunately, was not delicious. The chopped pork I ordered was all connected by a system of fat, so that when I picked up one small piece of meat the entire sandwich followed in a glob.

Basically I had a rat king sandwich.

We made the hour drive home, and I immediately took a shower to wash the Cahaba River off of me and then fell asleep. It may seem like I've been complaining in this post, but really I had a great day. I enjoy Alabama's nuances, and it was nice to get out into nature and spend time with friends. Also, it was good experience for my new goal in life. After all, the Chinese aren't going to beat themselves.

 The US Olympic Tubing Team - Rio de Jeneiro 2016

(Limestone Park Canoe and Tube Rentals)