How to Tell if You're Dating a Mannequin

There you are at dinner, pushing your SpaghettiOs forlornly around your plate while your lover sits in silence across the table. You search for words to break the awkward tension. "Say anything", you think to yourself. "Tell her how beautiful her eyes are. Lie if you have to." You look up only to meet a cold, icy stare. Her dead expression pierces you straight to your failing kidneys. "How did this happen?" you wonder. Maybe you’ve been emotionally distant and the detachment is finally settling in her gaze. Maybe the longing and passion that once filled her eyes has been replaced with the same apathy you showed when the two of you were looking at paint swatches. “Moose Lips isn’t a color,” you had said. “And even if it was, for the thousandth time I don’t care what color the toaster is.” Or maybe, just maybe…that loveless, unblinking face is because you’re dating a mannequin.

Seriously, how are you supposed to tell?

It’s an all-too-common scenario, so don’t feel bad about it. Sometimes people wear their shirt inside-out all day without realizing it, and sometimes they get in a three year relationship with a woman who turns out to be a mannequin. My personal research has concluded that nearly 4 out of 10 relationships consist of at least one mannequin partner. Unfortunately there isn’t an easy way to discern if your girlfriend is, in fact, a mannequin. Sure, you could ask her directly, but just take a moment to think about how rude that would be. You don’t go up to overweight people and say, “I couldn’t help notice how big your belly is and that you are currently lying on a hospital bed with a baby protruding out of you. Are you pregnant?” If you are incorrect in your assumption, not only would you be embarrassed, but you’d be hurting the feelings of the fat lady in labor. So, in figuring the mannequinhood of a girlfriend, it is best to stay away from mentioning her stoic nature or physical rigidity. Instead, ask yourself the following important questions to help you unravel the mystery.

Did You Meet Her in a Department Store?

The odds that your girlfriend is a mannequin sky rockets if you first met her at a department store or Gap. Statistically, 9 out of 10 women found in these types of stores are made out of plastic, and of those 9 women 7 will be mannequins. Think back to your first interaction. Was she wearing stylish clothing all from the same manufacturer? Or conversely, was she completely nude and didn’t show the slightest hint of embarrassment? These are both telltale signs of mannequinhood, and although not entirely damning, these clues should not be ignored. To test this theory more, invite your partner for a day of shopping. Once you assess her silence as default acceptance, carry her to the store that you first made your shy introduction. If you are immediately greeted by the store manager with “There’s that sicko we’ve been looking for!” and are subsequently arrested for larceny, your girlfriend is probably a mannequin, and there is probably video evidence to support that she has always been one. But hey, you could be wanted for stealing any number of things, so this will not provide you with the concrete answer you are seeking.

Does She Freeze-Up around Your Friends?

If you still aren’t sure if your girlfriend is a mannequin, it may be time to seek answers from your friends. In the likely event that you do not have friends, eavesdrop on a co-worker's phone call until he mentions a party and then loudly announce, “I will be there! And I’m bringing a date, if you know what I mean” while jabbing him repeatedly with your elbow. Once you are at the party, prop your date up against a wall and wait to catch the averted eyes of passers-by. Introduce your date and then study her social skills carefully. Is she lively and engaging in conversation? Or is she frozen in a catatonic state? If she isn’t talkative, it may be a sign that she’s a mannequin and is therefore lacking the vocal cords and motor skills necessary for verbal communication, but it could also mean she is human and simply suffers from social anxiety. Again, this is not surefire proof one way or the other, but it is worth noting. Perhaps a spreadsheet will help you better organize your findings.

 Hmmm.....inconclusive

Does She Like the Movie ‘Mannequin 2: On the Move’?

This is the toughest but most definitive way to determine the humanity of your lover (or lack thereof). Mannequin 2: On the Move is a 1991 movie that features, as its title suggests, a mannequin as a main character. It is widely regarded by film critics and humans alike as inferior to the original Mannequin, but actual mannequins regard the film as more faithful to the source material. 

It's their 'Gone with the Wind'

After a romantic, candle-lit dinner of SpaghettiOs, retreat with your lover to the couch, dim the lights, and pop in your VHS copy of Mannequin 2. As the title screen appears sit back and monitor her response. Here are a few common human reactions to watch out for:

• “Mannequin 2? You said we were watching The Notebook, you SpaghettiO-faced liar!”
• “Seriously, we’re watching the sequel? Samantha from 'Sex and the City' isn’t even in this one, you SpaghettiO-faced idiot!”
• Violence

However, if the reaction elicited is that of a gentle, unflinching reverence, it means that she is enthralled by Kristy Swanson’s portrayal of a mannequin in love, and is therefore a mannequin in love herself.

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Now that you have deduced the woman you spent the last three years with was born of a polystyrene mold, you can let her down easy and move on with your life in pursuit of a partner who can biologically bear your children or donate a kidney when you inevitably need a new one. But, should you decide that three years is too long for you to just throw it all away...well, I'm not here to judge. No, that's what society is for, and society says you're a freak. Also, the courts do some judging, so the two of you might want to stay out of Macy's for a while.