The South Will Rise Again: The War of Southern Digestion

The South is known nationally for many things, and let’s face it, none of them are positive. In the eyes of the general public we are all fat. We’re uneducated. We’re incestuous. And, worst of all, we call shopping carts “buggies”. Now, I’m not saying these things aren’t true for a small but loud percentage of the population. But aside from the few obvious advantages (our own flag, being really far away from Canada, etc), the South has many redeemable qualities that are kept generally hidden from the rest of the nation. And, as I've pointed out before, most of them are food.

I didn’t realize growing up that the food served on my plate at dinner was vastly different than the food served on the plate in front of some kid in California. I knew it was different than what the Chinese were eating, but I just assumed we, as Americans, all had mothers who went to the same culinary school, or wherever mothers learned that stuff. Now that I’m grown and have many friends who are Yankees (people born north of the Mason Dixon line, west of the Mississippi River, or in Florida), I have no idea what they had for dinner when they were young. Judging by their puzzled looks when I try to tell them about a typical childhood dinner, they also have no clue what I ate. They do not recognize my words as English, much less as food.

So here’s a list of good ol’ Southern dishes that apparently the rest of the country has never heard of. And although I don’t personally enjoy all of them, goshdangit I respect them for their cultural significance.

Fried Corn

Let me first state that my mother is a wonderful Southern cook, and that if anyone ever disagrees I will challenge them to fisticuffs, even if the best I could hope for is that they break a knuckle on my mandible. Southern cooks are a dying breed, as evidenced by the fact that one of my favorite dishes my mother serves, fried corn, is hard to find in the region even now. In fact, I only remember having it at home and at my grandmother’s house.

Fried corn does not refer to an entire ear dropped into a deep fryer, although I’d probably eat that, too. It’s very similar to creamed corn except it has been loaded with sugar and fried in a skillet. I think. I’m not actually sure how it’s prepared – all I know is that I want to bathe in it. Although bereft of cleansing properties, I could wear the residue as a mid-morning snack. I would be known as “That Guy Who is Always Caked in Corn”, but I wouldn’t mind. That’s how much I love fried corn.

Buttermilk

Buttermilk is uniquely Southern, and it is also uniquely disgusting. For those who are unfamiliar, buttermilk is regular milk that is slightly curdled, and is therefore thick and lumpy. You can make your own buttermilk at home by leaving your milk jug on the counter for a couple of days or by squeezing the teats of a particularly unhealthy cow with clogged arteries.

97% of all commercial buttermilk comes from this cow

My father loves buttermilk, or at least he pretends to. I’m quite certain he would just drink it at the dinner table to assert his manliness as the head of the household, should any one of his three sons think about overthrowing him. This theory is consistent with the fact that he deemed most meals accompanied by buttermilk as “meals fit for a king”. He’d gulp it down, his milky chalice glistening under the lights, and dare us to try it. It might as well have been wolf’s blood dripping from his lips, but about once a year the three of us would gather the nerve to take a swig.

My father’s household remains unchallenged.

My father at the dinner table as depicted by legend

Salt Pork

Imagine your favorite thing in the world. You’re picturing bacon right now, aren’t you? Well, you are now if you weren’t before. Now imagine that bacon being 5 times as thick, 10 times as flavorful, and with a hard rind, and now you’ve got salt pork. This was considered a rare delicacy growing up, not because it was hard to find or expensive, but because when cooked it tended to fill the entire house with salty smoke that hung in the air and invited attacks by neighborhood animals and sasquatches.  

Salt pork also goes by the name of ‘fatback’, but I will deport you to the North if you use that phrase around me. I can’t think of a less desirable term for something so delicious.

 

 There are many images online I could have used to illustrate my point.

Consider this mild image my gift to you.

Okra

I am not a fan of okra. It came up in conversation around my Yankee friends, one of which had never heard of it before. The best I could describe it to him was that it was a straight, squishy pepper covered in fine hairs, like the upper lip of a 12 year old boy, and that the consistency when chewed is not unlike sneezing in your mouth. If that description sounds appealing to you, then you have many problems, and I’m putting you on a watchlist.

I have a theory that okra is actually pubescent cucumber

Okra is often served fried, which makes it more palatable. My brother Jared loves them pickled, which proves my point that okra can only be salvaged if you cover it 3 inches thick with batter or douse it with acidic liquids. Maybe there’s a reason okra hasn’t swept the culinary industry.

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I’m sure there are many more Southern treats that people from the Union would not recognize. I encourage your entries in the comments, but I doubly encourage you to invite me over and serve me these entries personally. And, as Southern custom dictates, I will bring a carton of buttermilk. Whoever chugs the most keeps your house.