You Will Never Become an Astronaut: A Motivational Speech

As I embark on my new career as a motivational speaker, I have decided to unleash a preview motivational speech upon the planet free of charge. I am going to motivate the metaphorical pants off of you, and all I ask is that you keep all non-metaphorical pants firmly cinched and that you consider hiring me for your next corporate function or just your next personal bout of soul-crushing lethargy. I will also make house calls for overwhelming malaise, paralyzing self-doubt, debilitating inertia, and hemorrhoids.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why should I listen to a motivational speaker who started writing this blog post 6 weeks ago and then gave up? That's an excellent and clairvoyant question! Because the greatest generals will tell you that sometimes the best strategy comes from those in the trenches. And I’ve dug a trench in those trenches.

Now, I am going to start out my first motivational speech with a tried and true platitude. Ahem.

YOU CAN DO IT!

Let me clarify that I mean that only as a statement of fact. The word “can” denotes that it is a possibility, which it is. However, statistically speaking you are much more likely to pass out alone in your apartment only to be discovered by your disinterested cats than to accomplish whatever far-flung dream you’ve assigned as “it”. For every astronaut that has walked on the moon there are 10,000,000 average joes who have ordered a pizza in their underwear, but then fallen asleep on their living room floor before it was delivered. So, let’s focus on things you can definitely accomplish.

Getting out of bed. You can do that! Showering. You’re a natural! Becoming an astronaut. Not in a million years! 

I want to be clear. You’re a pretty okay person with several positive things to share with other humans. You are an adequate tipper at restaurants. You obey traffic laws when other people are watching. Except for a couple of goldfish, you’ve kept pets alive for their average lifespans. But, unlike urethane-coated synthetic polymers, you just aren't astronaut material. That doesn’t mean you’ll never be successful, though.

There are three ways for you to achieve success in life – 1)Become a completely different person, 2)Redefine your personal meaning of success so that any mouth-breathing toddler can be successful, or 3)Some combination of the previous two. The trick is finding the right equilibrium, and that’s what I’m here to help you find.

To begin your journey of self-transformation you've got to have some self-esteem. Let’s try an exercise I either read in a psychology textbook or dreamed I read in a psychology textbook once. First, prepare a bowl of mashed potatoes.  As has been previously discussed, I'm not exactly a chef, but I'm pretty sure you just get a bag of potatoes and beat them with a hammer until your downstairs neighbor threatens to call the police. Next, look intently at those mashed potatoes and shout insults at it. Maybe something like, “YOU ARE LUMPY AND PALE!” or “NOBODY LIKES YOU UNLESS YOU’RE COVERED IN GRAVY!” This is called projection, because deep in your heart you feel these things are true about yourself.

"So, uhh…are we friends now?"

Here comes the therapeutic part. Devour those delicious insults by shoveling the mashed potatoes down your grease-lined gullet. When you are done, look down at your clean plate and reflect on your accomplishment. You ate those insults like a champ! Those negative feelings about yourself can no longer hurt you, unless you have tender bowels unequipped for starch.

Now that you have a more positive self-image, it's time to slightly adjust who you are by broadening the limits of your comfort zone. Travel more. Face your fears. Try new things. 

If you're afraid of large bodies of water, rent a deep-sea fishing boat and use yourself as chum. If you've never lived abroad, commit a federal crime that will require you to flee to a country without an extradition treaty. If you've never fallen in love, rent the movie "You've Got Mail" and experience a whirlwind of emotions vicariously through its likable and relatable protagonists. But, if you’ve never been to the moon, do not search Craigslist for a spacesuit.

Remember as you stretch yourself in new directions that you will never be able to change into an entirely different person, like Buzz Aldrin or retired naval officer and NASA astronaut Eugene Cernan. But, you can molt your old outer skin and show off your fresh new dermis. Sure, you'll be pink and sensitive and will horrify children at the grocery store for a while, but before long that 'new you' will just become 'you'. There's no going back now. You're ready for the final step in your motivation transformation - redefining success.

Why did you want to become an astronaut in the first place? Was it fame? Any goober with a YouTube account can become famous. Was it to explore uncharted territory? You don't even know what's between your own couch cushions. Was it to earn the respect of your peers and gain self-worth in a lifelong struggle for happiness?

The ultimate success is happiness, and there is no defined course to obtain it. You don’t have to settle, but you do have to be realistic. You are perfectly capable of being a good person, finding friends who enjoy your company, being a devoted family member, and reaching goals you set for yourself to become a better person and contribute more to society. You are capable of being happy.

You just aren’t capable of being an astronaut.

Motivation complete! You are now ready to tackle the world with your magnificent mediocrity! Remember, nothing can stop you from achieving pretty good things. And if you ever lose sight of what will really make you happy and successful, give me a call. I’ll be there to bring you back down to Earth.

The Solutions to All of America's Problems - abridged version

It is with great reluctance and even greater fanfare that I announce my candidacy for the president of the United States of America in 2016. Not because I need the attention my inevitable scandal will give me (WaterNate), but because America needs me. I am a majestic mama eagle who will gather broken America into my nest and nurse you stupid eaglets back to health by regurgitating liberty and patriotism down your throats. With my help, America, you will soar again. End of metaphor.

Some of you may remember my failed 2012 campaign, but I would like to emphasize that I polled the highest among the key demographics of both the recently deceased and the recently born. Any allegations of voter fraud are patently false, and I can have 5,000 signatures within ten minutes calling you a liar.

As the nation’s first 30 year old president, my first official act will be to retroactively lower the minimum age to be president from 35 to 30, creating a circular timeline I have neither the brainpower nor attention span to figure out. But after that I’ll be ready to tackle all of America’s problems! Below are excerpts from my 487-page manifesto to turn this good country around. Nay, great country.

Immigration

My opponent Donald Trump wants to build a wall on the Mexican border, but that won’t solve the real problem. I’ve never had an immigrant bother me personally, but I do find myself wanting to build a wall around people who are constantly complaining about immigrants. It may be a social wall, or a physical wall made out of popsicle sticks. Either way, it will probably not be enough to drown out their rhetoric. Thus I propose the immediate exile of all Americans, and then on my mark the first 320 million people from around the globe to make it onto American soil get to stay here and gain citizenship. Bam! Everyone’s an immigrant! Sure, my solution will initially create the world’s biggest refugee crisis, but it will also create a pretty interesting version of Amazing Race, so I think the trade-off is worth it. And when it’s all over, anyone left still complaining about immigrants will only be revealing their deep insecurity, self-loathing, and inability to steal their own job.

Terrorism

This one is tough. How do we keep America safe when so many bullies on the playground don’t like us? Do we increase security and monitoring? The security ritual to take a routine flight has already reached a level of invasiveness that is considered weird when cousins do it, and if the TSA get any friendlier they are going to have to register for curtains with me at Target.

Do we start more wars? My knowledge of military strategy is limited to games of Risk, therefore I am tempted to invade Australia first. That might be unpopular with the United Nations, so that’s out too. That only leaves me with a radical solution to keep America safe from terrorists – kill them!…with kindness.

All airport security screenings will be replaced with 5 seconds of eye contact while a TSA agent uses a bullhorn to say “I CHERISH YOU AS A PERSON AND VALIDATE YOUR IDEOLOGY.” Any suspicious looking individuals (people wearing sandals, the bearded, anyone wearing a digital watch) will be escorted out of line to a special room to eat ice cream and play the Sweet Valley High board game until their desire to end our culture has abated. And as for warfare – all bombs will be replaced with Uncle Sam Pillow Pets.

Healthcare

My eventual predecessor, Barack “The Rock” Obama’s healthcare initiative was quite divisive, but I’m prepared to take it one step further. Not only will healthcare insurance be mandatory, healthcare will be mandatory. A spleen exam for every man! A thyroid cleansing for every woman! A colonoscopy for every butt!

  

Racism
The fact that racism still exists in the 21^st century is ridiculous. The solution to this problem is simple: realizing that our differences aren’t weaknesses by practicing greater empathy and understanding. But we’ve tried that for 250 years as a country and failed miserably, so now it’s on to plan B -  mandatory homogeny. As your president I will spearhead the development of a pill capable of turning skin a chosen color. Since I believe in freedom, each household will be mailed color swatches from Sherwin Williams and a vote will take place as to our new national hue. I don’t want to sway the voters, but I look great in purple.

After we become unified by color, we will have to find more subtle thing things to hate about each other, like whether or not your earlobes dangle and the diameter of your nostrils.

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So there you have it, the solutions to your problems. A vote for me is a vote for a better nation – one filled with purple immigrants with high self-esteem, particularly healthy spleens, and personal surface-to-air missile launchers (the section on gun control was cut for brevity, but mostly obscenity).

You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome.