The Solutions to All of America's Problems - abridged version

It is with great reluctance and even greater fanfare that I announce my candidacy for the president of the United States of America in 2016. Not because I need the attention my inevitable scandal will give me (WaterNate), but because America needs me. I am a majestic mama eagle who will gather broken America into my nest and nurse you stupid eaglets back to health by regurgitating liberty and patriotism down your throats. With my help, America, you will soar again. End of metaphor.

Some of you may remember my failed 2012 campaign, but I would like to emphasize that I polled the highest among the key demographics of both the recently deceased and the recently born. Any allegations of voter fraud are patently false, and I can have 5,000 signatures within ten minutes calling you a liar.

As the nation’s first 30 year old president, my first official act will be to retroactively lower the minimum age to be president from 35 to 30, creating a circular timeline I have neither the brainpower nor attention span to figure out. But after that I’ll be ready to tackle all of America’s problems! Below are excerpts from my 487-page manifesto to turn this good country around. Nay, great country.

Immigration

My opponent Donald Trump wants to build a wall on the Mexican border, but that won’t solve the real problem. I’ve never had an immigrant bother me personally, but I do find myself wanting to build a wall around people who are constantly complaining about immigrants. It may be a social wall, or a physical wall made out of popsicle sticks. Either way, it will probably not be enough to drown out their rhetoric. Thus I propose the immediate exile of all Americans, and then on my mark the first 320 million people from around the globe to make it onto American soil get to stay here and gain citizenship. Bam! Everyone’s an immigrant! Sure, my solution will initially create the world’s biggest refugee crisis, but it will also create a pretty interesting version of Amazing Race, so I think the trade-off is worth it. And when it’s all over, anyone left still complaining about immigrants will only be revealing their deep insecurity, self-loathing, and inability to steal their own job.

Terrorism

This one is tough. How do we keep America safe when so many bullies on the playground don’t like us? Do we increase security and monitoring? The security ritual to take a routine flight has already reached a level of invasiveness that is considered weird when cousins do it, and if the TSA get any friendlier they are going to have to register for curtains with me at Target.

Do we start more wars? My knowledge of military strategy is limited to games of Risk, therefore I am tempted to invade Australia first. That might be unpopular with the United Nations, so that’s out too. That only leaves me with a radical solution to keep America safe from terrorists – kill them!…with kindness.

All airport security screenings will be replaced with 5 seconds of eye contact while a TSA agent uses a bullhorn to say “I CHERISH YOU AS A PERSON AND VALIDATE YOUR IDEOLOGY.” Any suspicious looking individuals (people wearing sandals, the bearded, anyone wearing a digital watch) will be escorted out of line to a special room to eat ice cream and play the Sweet Valley High board game until their desire to end our culture has abated. And as for warfare – all bombs will be replaced with Uncle Sam Pillow Pets.

Healthcare

My eventual predecessor, Barack “The Rock” Obama’s healthcare initiative was quite divisive, but I’m prepared to take it one step further. Not only will healthcare insurance be mandatory, healthcare will be mandatory. A spleen exam for every man! A thyroid cleansing for every woman! A colonoscopy for every butt!

  

Racism
The fact that racism still exists in the 21^st century is ridiculous. The solution to this problem is simple: realizing that our differences aren’t weaknesses by practicing greater empathy and understanding. But we’ve tried that for 250 years as a country and failed miserably, so now it’s on to plan B -  mandatory homogeny. As your president I will spearhead the development of a pill capable of turning skin a chosen color. Since I believe in freedom, each household will be mailed color swatches from Sherwin Williams and a vote will take place as to our new national hue. I don’t want to sway the voters, but I look great in purple.

After we become unified by color, we will have to find more subtle thing things to hate about each other, like whether or not your earlobes dangle and the diameter of your nostrils.

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So there you have it, the solutions to your problems. A vote for me is a vote for a better nation – one filled with purple immigrants with high self-esteem, particularly healthy spleens, and personal surface-to-air missile launchers (the section on gun control was cut for brevity, but mostly obscenity).

You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome.