It is with great
reluctance and even greater fanfare that I announce my candidacy for the
president of the United States of America in 2016. Not because I need
the attention my inevitable scandal will give me (WaterNate), but because
America needs me. I am a majestic mama eagle who will gather broken
America into my nest and nurse you stupid eaglets back to health by
regurgitating liberty and patriotism down your throats. With my help, America,
you will soar again. End of metaphor.
Some of you may
remember my failed 2012 campaign, but I would like to emphasize that I polled
the highest among the key demographics of both the recently deceased and the
recently born. Any allegations of voter fraud are patently false, and I can
have 5,000 signatures within ten minutes calling you a liar.
As the nation’s first 30 year old
president, my first official act will be to retroactively lower the minimum age
to be president from 35 to 30, creating a circular timeline I have neither the
brainpower nor attention span to figure out. But after that I’ll be ready to
tackle all of America’s problems! Below are excerpts from my 487-page manifesto
to turn this good country around. Nay, great country.
Immigration
My opponent Donald
Trump wants to build a wall on the Mexican border, but that won’t solve the real
problem. I’ve never had an immigrant bother me personally, but I do find myself
wanting to build a wall around people who are constantly complaining about
immigrants. It may be a social wall, or a physical wall made out of popsicle
sticks. Either way, it will probably not be enough to drown out their rhetoric.
Thus I propose the immediate exile of all Americans, and then on my mark the
first 320 million people from around the globe to make it onto American soil
get to stay here and gain citizenship. Bam! Everyone’s an immigrant! Sure, my
solution will initially create the world’s biggest refugee crisis, but it will
also create a pretty interesting version of Amazing Race, so I think the
trade-off is worth it. And when it’s all over, anyone left still complaining
about immigrants will only be revealing their deep insecurity, self-loathing,
and inability to steal their own job.
Terrorism
This one is tough.
How do we keep America safe when so many bullies on the playground don’t like
us? Do we increase security and monitoring? The security ritual to take a
routine flight has already reached a level of invasiveness that is considered
weird when cousins do it, and if the TSA get any friendlier they are going to
have to register for curtains with me at Target.
Do we start more
wars? My knowledge of military strategy is limited to games of Risk, therefore
I am tempted to invade Australia first. That might be unpopular with the United
Nations, so that’s out too. That only leaves me with a radical solution to keep
America safe from terrorists – kill them!…with kindness.
All airport
security screenings will be replaced with 5 seconds of eye contact while a TSA
agent uses a bullhorn to say “I CHERISH YOU AS A PERSON AND VALIDATE YOUR
IDEOLOGY.” Any suspicious looking individuals (people wearing sandals, the
bearded, anyone wearing a digital watch) will be escorted out of line to a
special room to eat ice cream and play the Sweet Valley High board game until
their desire to end our culture has abated. And as for warfare – all bombs will
be replaced with Uncle Sam Pillow Pets.
Healthcare
My eventual predecessor, Barack “The
Rock” Obama’s healthcare initiative was quite divisive, but I’m prepared to take
it one step further. Not only will healthcare insurance be mandatory, healthcare will
be mandatory. A spleen exam for every man! A thyroid cleansing for every woman!
A colonoscopy for every butt!
Racism
The fact that racism still exists in the 21st century is ridiculous. The solution to this problem is simple: realizing that our differences aren’t weaknesses by practicing greater empathy and understanding. But we’ve tried that for 250 years as a country and failed miserably, so now it’s on to plan B - mandatory homogeny. As your president I will spearhead the development of a pill capable of turning skin a chosen color. Since I believe in freedom, each household will be mailed color swatches from Sherwin Williams and a vote will take place as to our new national hue. I don’t want to sway the voters, but I look great in purple.
The fact that racism still exists in the 21st century is ridiculous. The solution to this problem is simple: realizing that our differences aren’t weaknesses by practicing greater empathy and understanding. But we’ve tried that for 250 years as a country and failed miserably, so now it’s on to plan B - mandatory homogeny. As your president I will spearhead the development of a pill capable of turning skin a chosen color. Since I believe in freedom, each household will be mailed color swatches from Sherwin Williams and a vote will take place as to our new national hue. I don’t want to sway the voters, but I look great in purple.
After we become
unified by color, we will have to find more subtle thing things to hate about
each other, like whether or not your earlobes dangle and the diameter of your
nostrils.
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So there you have it, the
solutions to your problems. A vote for me is a vote for a better nation – one filled
with purple immigrants with high self-esteem, particularly healthy spleens, and
personal surface-to-air missile launchers (the section on gun control was cut
for brevity, but mostly obscenity).
You’re welcome,
America. You’re welcome.
