A Guide for College Graduates: Part I

This was originally written a year after I graduated college, and I had been working for a bank. Part II, four years in the making, is coming soon!

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Like most doe-eyed college graduates, I entered the workforce thinking I was immediately headed for great things, and that I was going to make a name for myself as a young go-getter. And then I got out in the field and remembered why the corporate world is known for having all of the charm and sensitivity of baby seal poachers.

I majored in marketing because I found business interesting, and I loved the strategy of it all. I also thought it could be a lucrative career. It’s too early to rule out the lucrative career part, but I do know that my four years of honing strategic-thinking skills are now being implemented to decide which candy bar to buy from the break room vending machine each morning. But my time in the real world hasn’t all been wasted. Although I technically work for a privately held financial institution and not a corporation, the environment is much the same, so here are some valuable lessons about the corporate world that might help you adorably naive grads:

Most People Will Have No Idea What Your Job Is

You could go around my company and ask people, “What is Nathan Lee’s job here?” and the overwhelming number one response would be, “Who’s Nathan Lee?” The other responses would range from, “I’m pretty sure he does stuff with marketing, or something” to “I think he wrangles goats.” The former is more correct, in case you’re wondering. This will work to your advantage in two ways. One is that if people don’t know what your job is, they can’t accuse you of doing it badly. The second is that it makes you seem valuable. “We can’t fire Nathan,” my boss thinks. “Who will do whatever it is that he does? I certainly don’t know how to do it.” Come to think of it, I don’t really know what anyone else in my office does either. Stuff with mortgages, or something.

Always Bring a Notebook to Meetings

This nugget of knowledge was taught to me by my boss when I started out as an intern. People at meetings will usually say things that you won’t understand, or care to understand, or care to try to understand, but as long as you have a notebook in front of you and a pen in your hand you’ll look like you’re earnestly paying attention and scratching down solutions to whatever might be happening. You’ll actually just be drawing funny stick figures.

Office Life is Not Funny, Despite What Your Television Says

Now I’m not saying an occasional good time is not had at the office, I’m just saying it’s not like television would have you believe. Chances are your quirky office mates won’t be off-beat but loveable. They’ll be annoying, and instead of seeing them for 30 minutes each Tuesday night you’ll see them Monday through Friday, 8-5. The only truly funny thing that has happened so far at my office I had to pretend wasn’t funny. Part of my job is shipping company store items out to the branches. I got an email one day from one of our branches complaining that his box of items contained a bright pink bra. I thought he was kidding, but he provided a photo. Sure enough, there was a large, bright pink bra among the items he ordered and I shipped. I would have laughed if he hadn’t been seriously angry. He knew I was the one that packs the items, so naturally he thought this was my doing. I assured him that it wasn’t, and then went about the task of notifying all my superiors that I was not responsible for this heinous, inappropriate act. But come on. Bright pink bra! Nestled amongst some logoed beer koozies! It is funny!

You Will Be More Technologically Advanced than Your Superiors

Your superiors will have no doubt poured years and years of hard work and family neglect into obtaining their high paying position, but the fact of the matter is that they will still be roughly your parent’s age and have no idea how to set the time on their DVD player. They’ll be able to analyze the crap out of the PNL’s from last year’s income statement, or formulate strategies to maximize cross-departmental synergies, but if they have to download a song from iTunes they will jump out the nearest window in frustration. You can use this to your advantage. Just the other day I had to upload a superior’s photo to his Facebook. The man could buy and sell me like a penny stock, but Facebook was too much for him. But hey, whatever maximizes my utility.

All of Your Ideas Will be Illegal

This might be true only for those who will work in highly regulated industries like banks, but you pretty much won’t get away with having a good idea. Another part of my job at First National Bank of Firstness (the name has been changed to protect the innocent from getting fired) is writing advertising copy. I’ll throw out a great ad headline only to have a team of lawyers rappel from the ceiling and slap me with their briefcases, citing legal precedence for doing so. My idea will start out as something like:

“FNBF – Your Mortgage Experts. Call Us for 100% Financing Options!”

But then our legal department will inform me that I can’t claim to be an expert at anything, because we don’t have expert certification from the Board of Expertise, and that we can’t proclaim 100% financing without a disclosure that includes an interest rate, annual percentage rate, repayment terms, loan amount, and a signature from a notary public somewhere in Rhode Island. Also, I can’t use my proposed picture of a family playing in the front yard because it does not include at least 3/5 of the races represented in the United Nations. If I fail to comply with these suggestions, then the Office of Thrift Supervision will have our fingernails ripped out. Usually by the end of my conversations with Legal, my ads end up looking like this:

So there you go, graduates. If you have any more questions about life after graduation or the intricacies of the corporate world, leave me a comment, and we’ll set up a meeting. I’ll bring my notebook.