A Guide for College Graduates: Part II

Do you smell that? Take a deep breath of fresh air. That’s the scent of the pear trees blooming, their leaves flaunting their fresh hues and delicate, white buds riding the breeze to alert us of the new season. There is a hint of azalea in the aroma  - subtle and sweet.

Ah, the unmistakable bouquet of spring! But it’s not only the time of year when nature blitzkriegs your sinus cavities, it’s the time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to graduating college and finding a lucrative job. (Uh, and also a young woman’s fancy, so I don’t come off like some misogynistic office troll.)

 A sexy misogynistic office troll, that is

But before you 2013 graduates go darting off on interviews pumped full of Red Bull and optimism in your veins, allow me to offer some advice. Admittedly this is the worst type of advice -equal parts curmudgeonly and unsolicited – but it’s important to know what you’re up against. It’s been four years since my last Guide for College Graduates, and I’ve learned so much more since then. So please, put down your resumes, take this guide with a grain of salt, and realize that your results may vary*.

The Answer is “Yes”

You will start off your career as someone’s underling. If you are unfamiliar with the term ‘underling’ its root is the Latin ‘underpantsicus’ which means “to be strapped to the fleshy curves or undesirable regions of a body”. As an underling you will be form fitted to support the sagging weight of your superior’s ego. It’s best if you simply say “yes’ when presented with ideas, because when your boss asks for your input on a project he (or she, of course) doesn’t actually want your input, he/she wants validation on their own input. Disagreeing will be seen as being combative and disrespectful, and I have personally been tongue-lashed for politely disagreeing with a boss’s stupid, stupid idea before. Let’s do some role play to make sure you understand.

The wrong way:

Gender non-specific boss: “I think we should shutter our Birmingham office and divert all of our funds to manufacturing bayonets for the Swiss military. Do you agree?”

You: “No, Ma’amsir. Switzerland is a historically peaceful country, having claimed neutrality since 1499. Also, we are a children’s nonprofit organization that supplies mentors to disadvantaged youths. I feel like producing military weapons isn’t feasible with our infrastructure and is terribly misaligned with our core values.”

Ma’amsir: How dare you oppose me!

“HOW DARE YOU DEFY THE MOST POWERFUL BOSS IN THE WORLD!”

The right way:

Ma’amsir: “This annual report looks boring. I think we should label all of our ‘losses’ as ‘assets’ because that word is prettier. Do you agree?”

You: “…Yes.”

Ma’amsir: “You’re right I do have awesome ideas! That kind of attitude will make you Head Coffee Fetcher someday. Now go find me the guy who operates my Keurig, Coffee Fetcher Fetcher.”

If It’s You or Them, Them Always Wins

Many of you will want to start your career with a company and stay there for many, many years. Possibly until retirement or you’re buried in that final cubicle in the ground. You will feel this way either because you’re a decent human being filled with a sense of loyalty, or you’re the type of clingy that calls ex-lovers 37 times a day. Whichever the case, just remember that you are placing your attachment into an entity that neither reciprocates that attachment nor is capable of doing so. Your company is just an abstract concept. Oh sure, people are walking around the office that are the tangible figure heads of that entity, but they are bound by markets and pressures from up the hierarchal ladder and – look me in the eyes as I’m typing this – their fidelity is to themselves. And yours should be too.

You have got to look out for your future and make the career choices that will benefit you, despite whatever you think you owe your company. Your boss will never walk up to you and say, “You are an excellent employee. You should take a job at a competing company because they will pay you more and treat you better than we ever could.” And when the market goes to crap, or your boss’s boss is pressuring him (her) to cut costs, your boss isn’t going to fire hermself. It’ll be your loyal keester in the trash bin.

Don’t Be a Weasel

So now that you’re being selfish with your career choices (if you can call it that, and I guess technically you can) there’s one important thing to remember: Don’t be a sleazy weasel about it. You can look out for number one without throwing your coworkers under the bus to appear better in the eyes of the company. But trust me, there are people out there who would absolutely do that to you if given the chance. They would frame their own grandmother for white collar crimes if they thought it would earn them an approving glance from the (wo)man in charge. You’ve just got to identify who the weasels are and avoid them like that moldy sandwich in the back of the break room fridge.

Spotting a weasel at work can be tough, but it’s a safe bet to look for a clashing tie-shirt combo.

Become One with Inefficiency

There’s a good chance that something about your job will be terribly inefficient. For example, your boss (who I will establish as a woman) might send you an email asking you to email Sally (who I will establish as a man, because there is no bias here) about a report, despite the fact that your boss also has Sally’s email address and is currently talking to him about the email she is writing you. “Hold on, Sally, let me finish this email to Lee to ask him to ask you about that report. He’ll let me know your reply later. Now, back to the inappropriate-for-the-workplace discussion on what I did last weekend…”

Should you find yourself in these ridiculous situations you can try to correct it by informing your superior of a better, more direct approach to the matter. But just know that you run a high risk of being that one guy who tries to buck the system. They’ll talk about you in the break room. “Hey, did ya see Showalter this morning sending an email directly to someone without the middleman? Who does he think he is? A system bucker? Some kind of swashbuckling buck monster that devours systems?”

You will not be able to change everything you’d like, because you can’t control the other pieces in the greater Rube Goldberg machine that is your company. You can barely control yourself sometimes. Should you need to vent these frustrations, I suggest grabbing your nearest underling, like an intern or Assistant Coffee Fetcher Fetcher, and shaking them violently.

The system can’t be fixed! THE SYYYSSTEEEEMMMMM!!!!

That’s all the wisdom I can muster in this edition. Maybe in another four years I will dole out some more unsolicited, even curmudgeonlier advice. But until then, don’t let this guide get your spirits down! You’ll be on top of that corporate world before you know it!

*Your results will not vary